9. Early Memories💗

8. Acceptance

If you were to write a letter to someone you lost, what would you say? So many questions, thoughts and feelings spring to mind. As part of the healing process, I learnt that writing was my way of expressing myself and releasing the emotions that were stuck inside me. Over the years as time has passed (nearly 19 years to be exact) I find it hard to comprehend that I often don’t remember what it was actually like to have a mum; a mother figure to guide, love and support you through times when you are helpless or lost in what direction to take next. As I come to terms with the fact that mine watches me from above, I am forced to continue with just the distant memories that are slipping away so fast.

 

As I sit today thinking of good times we had, I struggle to remember probably some of the best times of my childhood after blocking them away for so long. I have been without her, for longer than I had her which is sometimes one of the hardest facts to accept, with every year getting worse. As part of my initial counselling going back 8 years ago, I was advised that maybe writing a letter would be a good way to allow my emotions to flow freely and with the intention of me feeling able to cope with my loss. Here’s what I wrote…

 

‘Dear Mum,  

 

It’s been 11 years now since you have gone; I don’t know how I have managed without you. I miss you so much, we all do. I wish I could have understood how you were feeling at the time, it would have made more sense but now I am trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and I can’t hear it from you. I would give anything to talk to you now. I want you to know me for the person I am today. I want to get to know you too. We never had the chance to build that close relationship I think we would have had. I find it hard I am never going to have that with you. I know you would have wanted it too. I feel like I never really knew you, all I have now is stories from others. It’s just not the same.

 

I wish I could hear your voice or feel your touch. I want you to know how I have been and what I have been up to. I want you to know I did well in school and college and now living on my own with a good job. I wish you could see how well R has done too and how proud of him I am. When I was 12 I don’t remember getting very upset, but now I am older I need you with me a lot more but it’s not like I can just pick up the phone, like my friends can with theirs. I just have to accept I am never going to see or speak to you again. Like I said, I would do anything to have you back, anything to just give you a hug. People have said to me that I am like you with my mannerisms which I take comfort from; it makes me like who I am. I often wonder what life would be like if you were still here. How would my life have panned out? My friends tell me I am a strong person, especially after losing you and Nan who was my last motherly connection to you. I found that hard. I know Granddad did too but we’ve had to find more inner strength. My way of dealing with losing you has been to always believe that things happen for a reason, you might not know why or understand why it has happened but it is the way it’s meant to be, however cruel it might feel. I don’t understand why you had to go and I don’t think I ever will.  

 

You were so young at 39 to die, just like that. Life seems so harsh to take someone so beautiful away. When I was in my teens I remember saying I was going to enjoy my life as much as I can because you didn’t get the chance. I want to do as much as I can and experience everything possible. I have learnt the hard way that life is short; you don’t know what is around the corner for you so you just have to enjoy it. If I had one chance to say to you now, I would tell you I love you so much, always have and always will and you will always be with me in my heart.

 

All my love

 

Sarah xxx’

 

Some people I am sure will wonder why I am even writing this blog but not only does it help me as I enjoy writing but I have reached a point where life has turned around from feeling this horrific loss and learning how to cope to a life I love, enjoy and embrace! I want to share an experience that has turned out quite incredible and very different to how I could have ever imagined. I have learnt from being on a very long journey (and still being on it) that life is simply, what it is and only you can make your own happiness. Happiness is a state of mind, it’s a decision only you can make.

 

If my mum was still with us, I have to ask myself would I have done all that I have done? The reality is probably not, having used her as my motivation in everything I have put my mind to. Learning to accept that my mum is simply only in my thoughts, a figure in my imagination and nothing more is undoubtedly the most painful thought I can have but I take comfort in believing she is somewhere, I am sure.

 

Over the years people have asked me how have I coped? As I approach a 19 year anniversary it is only now I can say this is what I did. I developed a passion for taking life with both hands, having a strong belief my mum was always with me, accepting this was the way life was, letting go of trying to control it, trying new things to boost my own confidence, learning to grow as a person, learning to like and eventually love who I was becoming, walking through life one step at a time. I started taking on challenges people were surprised to see me do, but the sense of achievement I felt was overwhelming and liberating and I craved more. Sometimes I feel a sense of guilt for not wanting to change the things I have done, even though they have come from an experience that I should always want to change.

 

Acceptance of your situation is the hardest but the best thing you can do. After starting to accept things as they were, I was using my mum as my motivator, even my mental tool and driving force to concentrate on when things got tough. I used her to stimulate my mind with positivity when I felt fearful when I was nervous as to whether I could actually run 13 miles or when I started public speaking at work. She got me through it and I didn’t fall to pieces. She still helped me through, in her own way and in the only way she could. She guided me to this happiness I feel now. I didn’t ever imagine at the time that such a tragic situation could grow into something so overwhelmingly positive. As I write this the sun is shining so brightly, and I can’t help but smile knowing my mum is up there somewhere. No matter what, she is still my mum, and the beautiful lady who lives in the sky.

7. Mindfulness

I didn't quite get it at first, when they said to me try it with a raisin and feel it, smell it, see it, taste it and appreciate it...my first thought was what on earth are they talking about?! I thought they were bonkers! When I googled it, it really was a mind field but I found myself feeling quite intrigued to discover more.

As I read on, I started learning that Mindfulness was nothing more than having an awareness of our thoughts, feelings and sensations and accepting things just as they are. It was about letting go of the things you can't control. I was still pretty clueless and thought, but what does it actually do? It claims to create lots of happiness so it was worth a try! There was one thing reading about it and another thing 'practising' it. Knowing I needed to train my mind into a different direction and keeping my mum deep in my heart and present in my thoughts, I made a conscious effort to 'be in the present moment' as it suggests concentrating on just one thing at a time.

I quickly noticed how my mind would wonder and ruminate and before I knew it, it would spiral into the what if's and worrying about what might happen or had happened and been and gone. This was proving to be extremely hard to bring my mind back. Mindfulness is, as it says on the tin, its about being mindful of your thoughts. How many times do we worry about what might happen next week, month or year? Or run over and over something that's happened in the past whether an event, incident or conversation that's played on our minds?

Mindfulness was able to bring me back to the present. It's not easy when you are who you are and think just how you've always thought, for 30 years. I'd set myself a goal and my ultimate aim was for this to work but changing 30 years of doing something one way was going to possibly be my biggest challenge I was about to face. Just when I thought my move to Wales, trek and running half marathons was enough, I felt this was the biggest but possibly the most positive achievement I could seriously achieve...if I trained my mind.

Returning my thoughts to my mum, I wondered if she struggled with her thoughts as much as I imagined. I realised for someone with depression, it was way beyond the stretch of my imagination. I found a powerful book by Katie Piper called Things Get Better and although I wasn't in a bad place at the time, I felt compelled to read it. Her story and achievements were enough to make me want to learn more about her, her story and how she coped and although I had not been through something as horrific as she did, a realisation became apparent and I asked myself who was to say that losing your mum as a 12 year old child wasn't as horrific as having your face burnt with acid?

Reading her story inspired me so much and the words she wrote give so much hope, faith and encouragement. It brings tears to a dry eye in every sentence. Katie herself writes how everyone's story is different and no matter how big or small, whatever has happened it is important to you and that is important. It's about finding ways to cope and build strength deep within. Over the years I have felt stronger and stronger to be able to deal with whatever life has thrown my way (with the help and support of my loved ones of course!) but after practising Mindfulness, it really has sent me off in a whole new direction. If you Google it, you'll see its all about positive thinking , meditation, positive affirmations and psychological awareness which for some is a little far fetched but after combining it with having some solution based therapy, I could see this was going to have positive results.

It also took my thoughts to a new level of appreciating my life. When I allowed myself to daydream, as tears would fall thinking how my mum didn't know on that day that it was in fact, the day she'd take her last breathe. I'd daydream about what would she say now if she was given just one chance? I find comfort in believing she'd tell me to take life with both hands and run with it...and I took it literally! Its taken a lot of time, effort and new found strength to realise life 'is what it is', no one can change it, control it or stop it. We simply just have to roll with the punches but really appreciate what's in our lives and be thankful for everything we have. You might not have everything you want but set a goal and one day you will.

6. Open Minds

Have you ever heard yourself say ‘I can’t do that’ or ‘I’m not strong enough to achieve something so hard? When you think about it, it’s not that we are not capable, surely anything is possible but it’s more a fear that we have created in our minds that stop us. I read somewhere that we train our bodies, but not our minds but yet there’s the saying ‘if you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything’ so surely we should be training our minds too…

The more I thought about this, the more I started believing it, especially when I had felt it myself since moving to Wales. I’ve read a few self help books in my time and to me, they can give exactly the motivation you need. They are not for everyone, and I am sure this blog isn’t everyone’s cup of tea either but hopefully it is inspiring others to find hope, motivation and to go out there and achieve what you dream of because it’s yours if you want it!

When I was younger I wanted to get really involved with helping similar people to my mum so I volunteered for the charity Mind for a brief period with people with severe mental health problems - I was way out of my depth and I felt far too inexperienced and young with little life experience to give anything back. I didn't continue with it and I moved onto other things. However, there’s always been something inside me that wants to help others see there really is positivity in this world.

Despite my positive mindset, I have been a massive worrier in the past and so much so I started to develop frequent migraines from stresses that would arise. Over the last few years I would be hit with a new one or sequence of them every 6-8 weeks. They are so debilitating that it makes me think about how my mum suffered everyday with her depression, trying to feel better, yet often hitting a brick wall.

As I discovered these migraines are not through alcohol, foods or high intense exercise as the typical triggers can be, I realized they have to be through stress…..well, actually it was more about how I processed my thoughts. As much as I love my mum, my determination has always been ever present to not suffer the way she did, physically and especially mentally. Yet I would find myself stressing over the simplest things and often things out of my control. Naturally I started to think more about my determination and this feeling I had in my heart to live and enjoy life no matter what. I visualized my mum watching me, wishing me to succeed because she didn’t have that opportunity and after raising money for Mind, I thought again about that saying ‘if you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything’…surely having been told I have a healthy mindset, I just needed to steer it in a different direction and that’s when I discovered Mindfulness…

5. New Strength...

Someone once said to me that they thought my idea of moving to Cardiff was just one of those things you say. They didn’t believe I’d actually do it. I felt a great feeling of satisfaction to prove them wrong! It also proved to me that my determination to succeed had developed a strength I didn’t know possible and I was hungry for other things.

I’d already started to set goals for myself and felt the benefits of achieving them. The biggest sense of achievement was to be able to say I did it for mum and the next challenge I set was to run a 6 mile race. I was no runner. I actually hated running. I’d spend a comfortable 15 minutes on a treadmill and I would ignore the fact I wasn’t pushing myself. However, after completing the 6 miles in a reasonable time, I started to wonder if I could go further and maybe even faster?

My mum never exercised but at a perfect size 12, she didn’t really need to. She would cave into the biscuit tin and say ‘I’ll start my diet tomorrow’. I guess after my fitness was improving I reflected on this memory and this is one way I didn’t want to be like her. Like most women, we want to lose a few pounds here or there but I didn’t want to feel the pressure my mum put on herself. So I vowed to myself I would never be like this. I often wonder if she had exercised would this have helped her depression. It probably would have and maybe things would have been different but I guess I’m never going to know. It’s so hard to think that things really could have been different but over the years it’s taken a lot of time to learn and discover the only way I could get through this was to accept things as they are. Accepting something has changed is really hard when you want it so badly to not be true.

I began running more when I moved out of Cardiff and would run on weekends. I stuck with my 6 miles and maybe a little more but I started to really get into it and learnt if I just believed in myself I knew I could do it! At this time I had no more ‘challenges’ in the pipeline and was ready to take on something new. I realized as my miles increased I got a massive sense of achievement from running. I would give myself a mileage goal before I set off and I wouldn’t return until those miles were done. I also decided if I was doing this, I was doing it properly and I didn’t allow myself to walk, ever.

Running outside was so different to being on the treadmill in a sweaty gym. It’s true what they say about being in the fresh air. It uplifts you but it really helped me as I felt my mum was with me, sitting in the clouds watching me. Some days I really struggled and I hated it, thinking why am I doing this? Keeping my mum in sight, thinking she was at the next set of traffic lights or roundabout, I would find my feet pick me up faster than I knew before. The idea of running the Cardiff half marathon was put to me and I considered it for a long time, not only would I have to run 13 miles on the day but I had to put myself through a training plan first to get me there. Firstly I thought can I be bothered and could I do it but as my mum is my motivator, I thought damn right I can!

When you don’t have a mum anymore and just a memory, there are no words to describe how you feel. When you hear your friends talk about theirs or you witness close relationships like you could have had but don’t, or just when you need some advice and you can’t just pick up the phone and hear their voice. You have to accept that it’s a silent relationship and hope one day you will meet again…

4. Positivity Grows...

I guess I have always been a positive person and after losing my mum, somehow (and I don’t even know how to this day), I remained positive. I had the strength of my family helping me and my mind was really starting to get through this – in a positive way. How could losing someone so close and significant have such a positive outcome for her daughter?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe you ever really ‘get over’ losing someone. How can anyone really come to terms with that? One thing that I will always struggle with is the fact that my mum, who gave birth to me, who cuddled me when I was born, now just does not even exist anymore? I look at photos and see this beautiful, caring person who did well in her life once upon a time but the reality of her not being a living being anymore – gone, nothing there anymore, is heartbreaking beyond belief.

Reality hurts and when Mothers days come and go or anniversary dates pop up year by year, it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. It is another reminder mine has gone. However, I choose it to also be a reminder to stay focused, positive and an opportunity to let the determination grow even more.

6 months after being in Cardiff, I was living the dream and really enjoying what life was offering me. I was also very lonely with not knowing many people and I had to focus on other things such as the gym. I got really into my fitness more and more and I still enjoyed it. I really did get that ‘feel good’ feeling after. Despite the feeling of being isolated with limited friends, the gym became my haven; a place to think and day dream.

My self esteem was growing and after achieving what I had so far, I knew things were looking up for me. I often reflected back on my action plans and my determination led me to really know what I wanted out of life and I started to learn that believing in myself was going to get me there. I later met JR who, little did I know would be the most incredible person who was ever to walk into my life. To make me feel so loved, beautiful and inspiring to others with constant encouragement to achieve all I wanted to achieve. I had found my soul mate and I melted into further happiness.

3. Believing in Me!

Life went back to normal with work and socializing and I kept at the gym. I got a sense of happiness from it, it was something I actually got to know and love. However, after my trek, there was something in me that had opened…an energy that glowed and I was buzzing. I didn’t want this feeling to end – I need more; another challenge. I would find myself thinking what can I do next?

I found myself on a lazy Sunday afternoon writing action plans for what I wanted in my life and what I wanted to explore more of for my career, where I wanted to travel, how I wanted to grow as a person and what I wanted from a partner. Little did I know the action plans would help me later on in life; back then they were just lists but as time went by, they became my reality.

A close friend rang one day to say she was taking a job in Cardiff and over time, I started to visit more and more. A year went by and I was liking it and wanted more. Was this my new challenge that was emerging?

September 2007 and my decision was made – I was moving to Cardiff! My emotions were all over the place but something inside me knew this was right. I was leaving my friends and family behind and really taking on my biggest challenge yet – new city, new job, having to make new friends – was I taking on too much? Something was motivating me to make this change, something was pushing me into this direction – I believed my mum could see me – I needed to make her proud. I need to live life to the full and it was time for me to move on.

Arriving in Cardiff was exciting, new and daunting. Here I was in the middle of a city on a Sunday evening, starting my new job tomorrow. An overwhelming feeling of nerves took over and I felt sick. After my first week in work things started to settle; I would email and phone my friends at home regularly but it was time to really start making a life for myself in a new place. I moved into a flat share which I really enjoyed but my social life that once was in Swindon; out with friends most evenings was suddenly very different – I realized how alone I really felt. I signed myself up for a beauty course in the evenings as another way to meet new people and get myself out and about. Every day I was living something new, whether it be to meet more new people or to find yet another new destination. Nervous and anxious emotions arose most days.

Months went by and I was really settling into my new life, despite the anxious moments, I was loving it! As I told my story wherever I went, people would ask what brings you to Cardiff? I simply replied just me! It really was just that – I knew I wanted to live life to the full. I had a determination in me to succeed in a new adventure, keeping my mum in my heart the whole time. Don’t get me wrong, it was not an easy decision; I had lots of great friends and my family in Swindon that I would have to sacrifice leaving behind. However, this wasn’t just for me; this was for my mum too. Something clicked and I noticed I was starting to achieve a goal I had set out to do – live life to the full for her - just as I had thought at 15. Always believing my mum can see me, thoughts began to travel through my mind about setting more goals. I’d done my trek which felt great, and now I’d moved my whole life. What else could I possibly do? My mind had expanded to ideas and places I couldn’t have dreamt of years prior and I found myself thinking, what else is out there for me to discover or achieve? What else can we discover together?