A Daughters Reality
Saturday 6 June 2015
Sunday 1 March 2015
12. Skin Deep
Thursday 18 December 2014
11. New Approach
Thank You
Why? As time went by and I grew older my mum has continued to drive me forward with things I have wanted to achieve, and taught me things no one ever could, despite not being present. With her strong influence in my heart, when I am crushed by difficult times, the experience continues to teach me to grow an inner strength I never knew I had – until I have to use it. It really does make me reflect on her depression and how she must have been feeling. But actually, I can honestly say that I do not know how she must have felt, simply because I have not been there. Not only that, I am not her in her mind, thinking her thoughts, feeling her feelings, fearing her fears and being inside her mind understanding what it feels like out of her comfort zone. As human beings we are so quick to judge someone’s situation and ‘know what we would do’ but do we really? If we’ve not been there, in their mind, how can we possibly say? I cringe when I realise that once upon a time that was me - being the judge. Conversations flashback to me that I wish I could reverse and approach in such a different way.
Christmas is undoubtedly the hardest time of all after a loss. It's a time I reflect and remember the Christmases I had when my mum would put me to bed, with me buzzing with excitement or the time she told me Dad still believed in Santa and we giggled together sharing a moment of innocent secrecy! A few years back, I visited a counsellor having thought I was beginning to struggle again, only to be told I have a positive outlook on life and to carry on just as I am. To my amazement, she said ‘it’s like you have your mum on your shoulder, living your life with you, learning new things and developing into a new person’. I loved that way of thinking and from that point, I never looked back.
As the end of another year approaches, having taught me things I thought I already knew, a new year is just around the corner to embrace the challenges that inevitably await me. Life really is about change and sometimes you have to deal with it faster than at others. Never will I forget the morning after, waking to a reality that my life had changed forever but my level of understanding was no more than limited, holding onto a vision of Mum walking around just as she always did...to never be seen again. My thoughts drift to my final moment with her and I wince with guilt that I was angry at her for not being well. She asked me to fetch something for her which I did with a sense of reluctance, shutting the door firmly behind me, never to have known that that was the very last chance I had to look at her beautiful face, smile or help her. It pains me that nearly 20 years have passed and I only feel now, I can recognise my thoughts, feelings and judgements from learning Mindfulness or experiencing loss in other ways when relationships or circumstances change and life passes by with new journeys to tackle. Mindfulness has allowed me to continue to learn and appreciate what I have in my life, for what it is now and always remembering that you can't change what you can't control.
Christmas can be so magical and a new year can enable us to allow a new perspective to develop, adapt to new ways of thinking and trying new approaches to the way each day unfolds itself. 2015 marks a 20 year anniversary and my Mum's 60th birthday - She can be damn sure, that with her firmly in my heart and watching from my shoulder that we will celebrate together and in style!!
Monday 25 August 2014
10. Raw
Sunday 16 March 2014
8. Acceptance
Sunday 13 October 2013
7. Mindfulness
I didn't quite get it at first, when they said to me try it with a raisin and feel it, smell it, see it, taste it and appreciate it...my first thought was what on earth are they talking about?! I thought they were bonkers! When I googled it, it really was a mind field but I found myself feeling quite intrigued to discover more.
As I read on, I started learning that Mindfulness was nothing more than having an awareness of our thoughts, feelings and sensations and accepting things just as they are. It was about letting go of the things you can't control. I was still pretty clueless and thought, but what does it actually do? It claims to create lots of happiness so it was worth a try! There was one thing reading about it and another thing 'practising' it. Knowing I needed to train my mind into a different direction and keeping my mum deep in my heart and present in my thoughts, I made a conscious effort to 'be in the present moment' as it suggests concentrating on just one thing at a time.
I quickly noticed how my mind would wonder and ruminate and before I knew it, it would spiral into the what if's and worrying about what might happen or had happened and been and gone. This was proving to be extremely hard to bring my mind back. Mindfulness is, as it says on the tin, its about being mindful of your thoughts. How many times do we worry about what might happen next week, month or year? Or run over and over something that's happened in the past whether an event, incident or conversation that's played on our minds?
Mindfulness was able to bring me back to the present. It's not easy when you are who you are and think just how you've always thought, for 30 years. I'd set myself a goal and my ultimate aim was for this to work but changing 30 years of doing something one way was going to possibly be my biggest challenge I was about to face. Just when I thought my move to Wales, trek and running half marathons was enough, I felt this was the biggest but possibly the most positive achievement I could seriously achieve...if I trained my mind.
Returning my thoughts to my mum, I wondered if she struggled with her thoughts as much as I imagined. I realised for someone with depression, it was way beyond the stretch of my imagination. I found a powerful book by Katie Piper called Things Get Better and although I wasn't in a bad place at the time, I felt compelled to read it. Her story and achievements were enough to make me want to learn more about her, her story and how she coped and although I had not been through something as horrific as she did, a realisation became apparent and I asked myself who was to say that losing your mum as a 12 year old child wasn't as horrific as having your face burnt with acid?
Reading her story inspired me so much and the words she wrote give so much hope, faith and encouragement. It brings tears to a dry eye in every sentence. Katie herself writes how everyone's story is different and no matter how big or small, whatever has happened it is important to you and that is important. It's about finding ways to cope and build strength deep within. Over the years I have felt stronger and stronger to be able to deal with whatever life has thrown my way (with the help and support of my loved ones of course!) but after practising Mindfulness, it really has sent me off in a whole new direction. If you Google it, you'll see its all about positive thinking , meditation, positive affirmations and psychological awareness which for some is a little far fetched but after combining it with having some solution based therapy, I could see this was going to have positive results.
It also took my thoughts to a new level of appreciating my life. When I allowed myself to daydream, as tears would fall thinking how my mum didn't know on that day that it was in fact, the day she'd take her last breathe. I'd daydream about what would she say now if she was given just one chance? I find comfort in believing she'd tell me to take life with both hands and run with it...and I took it literally! Its taken a lot of time, effort and new found strength to realise life 'is what it is', no one can change it, control it or stop it. We simply just have to roll with the punches but really appreciate what's in our lives and be thankful for everything we have. You might not have everything you want but set a goal and one day you will.