10. Raw

Sometimes life has a cruel way of providing us with surprises we weren't expecting and then we are so hopelessly left to pick up the pieces of our hearts. With your stomach in your mouth, just how do you move on with each day but the harsh reality is, that life goes on. People are still living their lives, smiling, laughing and having fun when you are mourning and feeling such a loss. When you hear that someone has died, you can't help but feel the emotions and see the pictures that are stamped in your mind, never to be erased. I used to often think about the moment my Dad told me; the words 'mum's died' ringing through my ears, the moment he asked me to write the card for mums flowers for her funeral or the moment I walked down the aisle with him for the first time....certainly not the way I imagined it would be as we said goodbye to someone who touched our hearts in ways she will never know.

 

With Mothers’ Days passing, being a fairly normal day for me, apart from the longing to give my mum the gift I saw that I thought she'd love or taking her out for food or just the 10 seconds of pure love and emotion to squeeze through to her in a hug. But with the heart wrenching truth that life continues to tell me, I realise I can't. I face the harsh reality that I just can't and never will. The moment I hear a song that reminds me of her and I start to remember the fond memories I have, only for them to rapidly sink and the truth to rise its ugly head to tell me yet again, she's gone. And it hurts, still 19 years on.

 

Some years ago I recognised I had a choice with how I was going to deal with my grief - focus on my happiness or be sad. I knew I didn't want to feel the way my mum felt with her depression. The mental torment she went through, not being able to cope with her thoughts and as I have grown older this determination is ever present in all that I do and I chose happiness. As years have gone by I've learnt the hard way that life is about moving on, accepting changes, getting over unexpected obstacles and looking forward to what makes you stronger and more complete. My 90 year old Granddad is an inspiration to me in so many ways. Having been on his own for 15 years, he tells me he doesn't weep because his wife has gone, because you simply can't do anything about it. He's so right. This inspired me to think more about letting go of things I can’t control.

 

Life is what it is, it’s about making memories for you to cherish, it’s about learning to love what you have, not wishing for more than you need, not comparing you to others, just believing in you, your capabilities and working on the strengths that make you who you are. I look back and wish my mum took the opportunity to learn this to take her away from the depths of her depression. I always wonder what she would have achieved or created in her life had this of happened for her. I am a strong believer in things happening for a reason. No one will ever be able to explain why my mum had to go when she did but life has a weird way of teaching us things from the most heart-breaking ways. Sometimes life throws you a curveball and it breaks you but over time, from the tragic loss of my mum, I have learnt an opposite way to deal with things than she did. I have slowly but surely developed a different outlook on life that has made me feel the strongest I can feel, even in the worse situations. It’s about being able to approach things in a manner that only I have learnt through the toughest of times.

A lot of people will say to me that I am a positive person, but like anyone I go through the hard times too, facing new things to deal with, wanting to be able to just pick up the phone to hear the one voice I can barely remember but instead of running away, I will look at how I’m going to solve issues and get myself through. Pushing myself with new challenges, putting my mind to something such as my running has enabled me to build on a foundation of strength that I know my mum never had. It’s about facing problems head on, facing your fears and knowing that whatever happens is the way it’s meant to be. I want to pass this feeling on to help and inspire others to get through their tough times, no matter what that might be, it’s important because it’s important to you.

 

Each and every day we are all learning more and more about ourselves, how we approach life with what comes our way, learning not to judge others for their decisions and taking life with both hands, following our dreams and doing whatever is in our heart. No matter what, if you are asking yourself if you should do something, you should just go and do it and enjoy the journey it takes you on….