Saturday, 6 June 2015
Sunday, 1 March 2015
12. Skin Deep
As my mind drifts back to 1993, I wonder how my beautiful lady really saw herself. What or who did she see when she looked in the mirror? Did she see her bright blue eyes, gorgeous auburn hair and amazing skin? Did she see a person so caring with so much to give the world? Someone who would teach her children things just by watching her? Did she see the best mummy anyone could ask for? Even though I didn’t know my mum how I would have liked and I didn’t get the chance to learn who she was, really was deep inside; and what creative, funny quirks made her personality, I learn from my Grandad that she was such a beautiful human being. Sadly in her 39 years, she never knew.
When I grew up through my teens, I carried on living a ‘normal’ life as much as possible without a mum. Just finding my way taking deep comfort in the time I spent with my Dad and cherishing every moment we shared together. As I reached my early 20’s I knew I needed to make a change. I’m not even sure where these thoughts came from but I am a huge believer in believing everything happens for a reason. Each situation or circumstance, good or bad is there to teach us something new. It's an opportunity to learn about ourselves which will mould us into what we want to become. As years passed and life continued, I decided I owed it to my mum to take on a conquest of really finding out who I was, and more importantly who and what I wanted to be.
I am not ashamed to say, and I’ve previously mentioned I’ve had my share of counselling. Not necessarily because I was in a bad place in my mind, not like the journey my mum’s mind would take her on but I realised if I was to conquer my own demons and fight for what I wanted to achieve for my beautiful lady, then I couldn’t do it on my own. It was all part of the road I had to take. Looking back now, 10 years on I would put my hand on my heart and say it was the best thing I ever did. It’s true what they say about learning more when you take yourself out of your comfort zone. However, taking yourself out of your emotional comfort zone can be a dark place to enter. Fear sets in. It's so much easier to walk away than to open a door where you don’t know what is on the other side but re-living pain and hurt. Throughout my mum’s depression she struggled to get treatment at times and was often let down by the Psychiatrist which only raised her ever growing anxiety even more... She never got the opportunity to speak before her life was taken from under her feet and the chance was gone.
The beautiful lady I saw was perfect. As a 10 year old child admiring her dewy skin dotted with foundation on her face, she would turn to talk to me and make me laugh or when she glided her rouge lipstick over her smooth delicate lips and I watched with pure admiration and awe. It is these moments I remember that I long to never forget. But the reality was that her self-esteem couldn’t have been further than rock bottom. I wonder what thoughts arose in her tangled mind as she finished her look.
I know it’s such a cliché but it is our own circumstances that teach us that life simply is precious. Whether we have experienced loss or bereavement, relationship breakdowns, financial or work stress or whatever it may be, I find it's always a reminder that it really is for living! It’s also here to enjoy, embrace, challenge and make the most of everything we can apply ourselves to. I realised through my trek and move to Cardiff that this was something I was starting to do and it started taking me places I never knew were possible. I didn’t think a few years ago I would have written this blog and it would have been appreciated by many. With just one mind to play with, surely it’s worth spending a lifetime; your lifetime liking what makes you you. Change parts about yourself you don’t like and be creative with who you want to be rather than hating yourself and concentrating on elements you hate that actually make you who you are. We live in a negative world, so surely concentrating on our strengths is more beneficial to our health and state of mind. Life is so busy for us all and it is extremely easy to lose sight of it. Ironically, even though I can sit and write this, it doesn’t mean my loved ones don’t have to pick me up sometimes too but we are only human right?
I believe it’s about finding your passion in life, whatever it may be. It could be absolutely anything and finding it is the hard part. But once you do, you step into a whole new journey, a new life, a new perspective and focus that only you have control of. Over time I have discovered an appetite for believing that anyone can achieve anything they want to, change their perception of themselves and create the person they aspire to be.
Thursday, 18 December 2014
11. New Approach
As Christmas is fast approaching, I dream of a magical moment of having a little communication with my special lady who lives in the sky. I often wonder if I was given the opportunity to speak to my mum today, what would I say, what would she say to me? To hear the sound of her soft, delicate voice and acknowledge the words that flow from her thoughts, thinking long and hard I realised I would say two little words….
Thank You
Why? As time went by and I grew older my mum has continued to drive me forward with things I have wanted to achieve, and taught me things no one ever could, despite not being present. With her strong influence in my heart, when I am crushed by difficult times, the experience continues to teach me to grow an inner strength I never knew I had – until I have to use it. It really does make me reflect on her depression and how she must have been feeling. But actually, I can honestly say that I do not know how she must have felt, simply because I have not been there. Not only that, I am not her in her mind, thinking her thoughts, feeling her feelings, fearing her fears and being inside her mind understanding what it feels like out of her comfort zone. As human beings we are so quick to judge someone’s situation and ‘know what we would do’ but do we really? If we’ve not been there, in their mind, how can we possibly say? I cringe when I realise that once upon a time that was me - being the judge. Conversations flashback to me that I wish I could reverse and approach in such a different way.
Christmas is undoubtedly the hardest time of all after a loss. It's a time I reflect and remember the Christmases I had when my mum would put me to bed, with me buzzing with excitement or the time she told me Dad still believed in Santa and we giggled together sharing a moment of innocent secrecy! A few years back, I visited a counsellor having thought I was beginning to struggle again, only to be told I have a positive outlook on life and to carry on just as I am. To my amazement, she said ‘it’s like you have your mum on your shoulder, living your life with you, learning new things and developing into a new person’. I loved that way of thinking and from that point, I never looked back.
As the end of another year approaches, having taught me things I thought I already knew, a new year is just around the corner to embrace the challenges that inevitably await me. Life really is about change and sometimes you have to deal with it faster than at others. Never will I forget the morning after, waking to a reality that my life had changed forever but my level of understanding was no more than limited, holding onto a vision of Mum walking around just as she always did...to never be seen again. My thoughts drift to my final moment with her and I wince with guilt that I was angry at her for not being well. She asked me to fetch something for her which I did with a sense of reluctance, shutting the door firmly behind me, never to have known that that was the very last chance I had to look at her beautiful face, smile or help her. It pains me that nearly 20 years have passed and I only feel now, I can recognise my thoughts, feelings and judgements from learning Mindfulness or experiencing loss in other ways when relationships or circumstances change and life passes by with new journeys to tackle. Mindfulness has allowed me to continue to learn and appreciate what I have in my life, for what it is now and always remembering that you can't change what you can't control.
Christmas can be so magical and a new year can enable us to allow a new perspective to develop, adapt to new ways of thinking and trying new approaches to the way each day unfolds itself. 2015 marks a 20 year anniversary and my Mum's 60th birthday - She can be damn sure, that with her firmly in my heart and watching from my shoulder that we will celebrate together and in style!!
Thank You
Why? As time went by and I grew older my mum has continued to drive me forward with things I have wanted to achieve, and taught me things no one ever could, despite not being present. With her strong influence in my heart, when I am crushed by difficult times, the experience continues to teach me to grow an inner strength I never knew I had – until I have to use it. It really does make me reflect on her depression and how she must have been feeling. But actually, I can honestly say that I do not know how she must have felt, simply because I have not been there. Not only that, I am not her in her mind, thinking her thoughts, feeling her feelings, fearing her fears and being inside her mind understanding what it feels like out of her comfort zone. As human beings we are so quick to judge someone’s situation and ‘know what we would do’ but do we really? If we’ve not been there, in their mind, how can we possibly say? I cringe when I realise that once upon a time that was me - being the judge. Conversations flashback to me that I wish I could reverse and approach in such a different way.
Christmas is undoubtedly the hardest time of all after a loss. It's a time I reflect and remember the Christmases I had when my mum would put me to bed, with me buzzing with excitement or the time she told me Dad still believed in Santa and we giggled together sharing a moment of innocent secrecy! A few years back, I visited a counsellor having thought I was beginning to struggle again, only to be told I have a positive outlook on life and to carry on just as I am. To my amazement, she said ‘it’s like you have your mum on your shoulder, living your life with you, learning new things and developing into a new person’. I loved that way of thinking and from that point, I never looked back.
As the end of another year approaches, having taught me things I thought I already knew, a new year is just around the corner to embrace the challenges that inevitably await me. Life really is about change and sometimes you have to deal with it faster than at others. Never will I forget the morning after, waking to a reality that my life had changed forever but my level of understanding was no more than limited, holding onto a vision of Mum walking around just as she always did...to never be seen again. My thoughts drift to my final moment with her and I wince with guilt that I was angry at her for not being well. She asked me to fetch something for her which I did with a sense of reluctance, shutting the door firmly behind me, never to have known that that was the very last chance I had to look at her beautiful face, smile or help her. It pains me that nearly 20 years have passed and I only feel now, I can recognise my thoughts, feelings and judgements from learning Mindfulness or experiencing loss in other ways when relationships or circumstances change and life passes by with new journeys to tackle. Mindfulness has allowed me to continue to learn and appreciate what I have in my life, for what it is now and always remembering that you can't change what you can't control.
Christmas can be so magical and a new year can enable us to allow a new perspective to develop, adapt to new ways of thinking and trying new approaches to the way each day unfolds itself. 2015 marks a 20 year anniversary and my Mum's 60th birthday - She can be damn sure, that with her firmly in my heart and watching from my shoulder that we will celebrate together and in style!!
Monday, 25 August 2014
10. Raw
Sometimes life has a cruel way of providing us with surprises we weren't expecting and then we are so hopelessly left to pick up the pieces of our hearts. With your stomach in your mouth, just how do you move on with each day but the harsh reality is, that life goes on. People are still living their lives, smiling, laughing and having fun when you are mourning and feeling such a loss. When you hear that someone has died, you can't help but feel the emotions and see the pictures that are stamped in your mind, never to be erased. I used to often think about the moment my Dad told me; the words 'mum's died' ringing through my ears, the moment he asked me to write the card for mums flowers for her funeral or the moment I walked down the aisle with him for the first time....certainly not the way I imagined it would be as we said goodbye to someone who touched our hearts in ways she will never know.
With Mothers’ Days passing, being a fairly normal day for me, apart from the longing to give my mum the gift I saw that I thought she'd love or taking her out for food or just the 10 seconds of pure love and emotion to squeeze through to her in a hug. But with the heart wrenching truth that life continues to tell me, I realise I can't. I face the harsh reality that I just can't and never will. The moment I hear a song that reminds me of her and I start to remember the fond memories I have, only for them to rapidly sink and the truth to rise its ugly head to tell me yet again, she's gone. And it hurts, still 19 years on.
Some years ago I recognised I had a choice with how I was going to deal with my grief - focus on my happiness or be sad. I knew I didn't want to feel the way my mum felt with her depression. The mental torment she went through, not being able to cope with her thoughts and as I have grown older this determination is ever present in all that I do and I chose happiness. As years have gone by I've learnt the hard way that life is about moving on, accepting changes, getting over unexpected obstacles and looking forward to what makes you stronger and more complete. My 90 year old Granddad is an inspiration to me in so many ways. Having been on his own for 15 years, he tells me he doesn't weep because his wife has gone, because you simply can't do anything about it. He's so right. This inspired me to think more about letting go of things I can’t control.
Life is what it is, it’s about making memories for you to cherish, it’s about learning to love what you have, not wishing for more than you need, not comparing you to others, just believing in you, your capabilities and working on the strengths that make you who you are. I look back and wish my mum took the opportunity to learn this to take her away from the depths of her depression. I always wonder what she would have achieved or created in her life had this of happened for her. I am a strong believer in things happening for a reason. No one will ever be able to explain why my mum had to go when she did but life has a weird way of teaching us things from the most heart-breaking ways. Sometimes life throws you a curveball and it breaks you but over time, from the tragic loss of my mum, I have learnt an opposite way to deal with things than she did. I have slowly but surely developed a different outlook on life that has made me feel the strongest I can feel, even in the worse situations. It’s about being able to approach things in a manner that only I have learnt through the toughest of times.
A lot of people will say to me that I am a positive person, but like anyone I go through the hard times too, facing new things to deal with, wanting to be able to just pick up the phone to hear the one voice I can barely remember but instead of running away, I will look at how I’m going to solve issues and get myself through. Pushing myself with new challenges, putting my mind to something such as my running has enabled me to build on a foundation of strength that I know my mum never had. It’s about facing problems head on, facing your fears and knowing that whatever happens is the way it’s meant to be. I want to pass this feeling on to help and inspire others to get through their tough times, no matter what that might be, it’s important because it’s important to you.
Each and every day we are all learning more and more about ourselves, how we approach life with what comes our way, learning not to judge others for their decisions and taking life with both hands, following our dreams and doing whatever is in our heart. No matter what, if you are asking yourself if you should do something, you should just go and do it and enjoy the journey it takes you on….
Sunday, 16 March 2014
8. Acceptance
If you were to write a letter to someone you lost, what would you say? So many questions, thoughts and feelings spring to mind. As part of the healing process, I learnt that writing was my way of expressing myself and releasing the emotions that were stuck inside me. Over the years as time has passed (nearly 19 years to be exact) I find it hard to comprehend that I often don’t remember what it was actually like to have a mum; a mother figure to guide, love and support you through times when you are helpless or lost in what direction to take next. As I come to terms with the fact that mine watches me from above, I am forced to continue with just the distant memories that are slipping away so fast.
As I sit today thinking of good times we had, I struggle to remember probably some of the best times of my childhood after blocking them away for so long. I have been without her, for longer than I had her which is sometimes one of the hardest facts to accept, with every year getting worse. As part of my initial counselling going back 8 years ago, I was advised that maybe writing a letter would be a good way to allow my emotions to flow freely and with the intention of me feeling able to cope with my loss. Here’s what I wrote…
‘Dear Mum,
It’s been 11 years now since you have gone; I don’t know how I have managed without you. I miss you so much, we all do. I wish I could have understood how you were feeling at the time, it would have made more sense but now I am trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and I can’t hear it from you. I would give anything to talk to you now. I want you to know me for the person I am today. I want to get to know you too. We never had the chance to build that close relationship I think we would have had. I find it hard I am never going to have that with you. I know you would have wanted it too. I feel like I never really knew you, all I have now is stories from others. It’s just not the same.
I wish I could hear your voice or feel your touch. I want you to know how I have been and what I have been up to. I want you to know I did well in school and college and now living on my own with a good job. I wish you could see how well R has done too and how proud of him I am. When I was 12 I don’t remember getting very upset, but now I am older I need you with me a lot more but it’s not like I can just pick up the phone, like my friends can with theirs. I just have to accept I am never going to see or speak to you again. Like I said, I would do anything to have you back, anything to just give you a hug. People have said to me that I am like you with my mannerisms which I take comfort from; it makes me like who I am. I often wonder what life would be like if you were still here. How would my life have panned out? My friends tell me I am a strong person, especially after losing you and Nan who was my last motherly connection to you. I found that hard. I know Granddad did too but we’ve had to find more inner strength. My way of dealing with losing you has been to always believe that things happen for a reason, you might not know why or understand why it has happened but it is the way it’s meant to be, however cruel it might feel. I don’t understand why you had to go and I don’t think I ever will.
You were so young at 39 to die, just like that. Life seems so harsh to take someone so beautiful away. When I was in my teens I remember saying I was going to enjoy my life as much as I can because you didn’t get the chance. I want to do as much as I can and experience everything possible. I have learnt the hard way that life is short; you don’t know what is around the corner for you so you just have to enjoy it. If I had one chance to say to you now, I would tell you I love you so much, always have and always will and you will always be with me in my heart.
All my love
Sarah xxx’
Some people I am sure will wonder why I am even writing this blog but not only does it help me as I enjoy writing but I have reached a point where life has turned around from feeling this horrific loss and learning how to cope to a life I love, enjoy and embrace! I want to share an experience that has turned out quite incredible and very different to how I could have ever imagined. I have learnt from being on a very long journey (and still being on it) that life is simply, what it is and only you can make your own happiness. Happiness is a state of mind, it’s a decision only you can make.
If my mum was still with us, I have to ask myself would I have done all that I have done? The reality is probably not, having used her as my motivation in everything I have put my mind to. Learning to accept that my mum is simply only in my thoughts, a figure in my imagination and nothing more is undoubtedly the most painful thought I can have but I take comfort in believing she is somewhere, I am sure.
Over the years people have asked me how have I coped? As I approach a 19 year anniversary it is only now I can say this is what I did. I developed a passion for taking life with both hands, having a strong belief my mum was always with me, accepting this was the way life was, letting go of trying to control it, trying new things to boost my own confidence, learning to grow as a person, learning to like and eventually love who I was becoming, walking through life one step at a time. I started taking on challenges people were surprised to see me do, but the sense of achievement I felt was overwhelming and liberating and I craved more. Sometimes I feel a sense of guilt for not wanting to change the things I have done, even though they have come from an experience that I should always want to change.
Acceptance of your situation is the hardest but the best thing you can do. After starting to accept things as they were, I was using my mum as my motivator, even my mental tool and driving force to concentrate on when things got tough. I used her to stimulate my mind with positivity when I felt fearful when I was nervous as to whether I could actually run 13 miles or when I started public speaking at work. She got me through it and I didn’t fall to pieces. She still helped me through, in her own way and in the only way she could. She guided me to this happiness I feel now. I didn’t ever imagine at the time that such a tragic situation could grow into something so overwhelmingly positive. As I write this the sun is shining so brightly, and I can’t help but smile knowing my mum is up there somewhere. No matter what, she is still my mum, and the beautiful lady who lives in the sky.
Sunday, 13 October 2013
7. Mindfulness
I didn't quite get it at first, when they said to me try it with a raisin and feel it, smell it, see it, taste it and appreciate it...my first thought was what on earth are they talking about?! I thought they were bonkers! When I googled it, it really was a mind field but I found myself feeling quite intrigued to discover more.
As I read on, I started learning that Mindfulness was nothing more than having an awareness of our thoughts, feelings and sensations and accepting things just as they are. It was about letting go of the things you can't control. I was still pretty clueless and thought, but what does it actually do? It claims to create lots of happiness so it was worth a try! There was one thing reading about it and another thing 'practising' it. Knowing I needed to train my mind into a different direction and keeping my mum deep in my heart and present in my thoughts, I made a conscious effort to 'be in the present moment' as it suggests concentrating on just one thing at a time.
I quickly noticed how my mind would wonder and ruminate and before I knew it, it would spiral into the what if's and worrying about what might happen or had happened and been and gone. This was proving to be extremely hard to bring my mind back. Mindfulness is, as it says on the tin, its about being mindful of your thoughts. How many times do we worry about what might happen next week, month or year? Or run over and over something that's happened in the past whether an event, incident or conversation that's played on our minds?
Mindfulness was able to bring me back to the present. It's not easy when you are who you are and think just how you've always thought, for 30 years. I'd set myself a goal and my ultimate aim was for this to work but changing 30 years of doing something one way was going to possibly be my biggest challenge I was about to face. Just when I thought my move to Wales, trek and running half marathons was enough, I felt this was the biggest but possibly the most positive achievement I could seriously achieve...if I trained my mind.
Returning my thoughts to my mum, I wondered if she struggled with her thoughts as much as I imagined. I realised for someone with depression, it was way beyond the stretch of my imagination. I found a powerful book by Katie Piper called Things Get Better and although I wasn't in a bad place at the time, I felt compelled to read it. Her story and achievements were enough to make me want to learn more about her, her story and how she coped and although I had not been through something as horrific as she did, a realisation became apparent and I asked myself who was to say that losing your mum as a 12 year old child wasn't as horrific as having your face burnt with acid?
Reading her story inspired me so much and the words she wrote give so much hope, faith and encouragement. It brings tears to a dry eye in every sentence. Katie herself writes how everyone's story is different and no matter how big or small, whatever has happened it is important to you and that is important. It's about finding ways to cope and build strength deep within. Over the years I have felt stronger and stronger to be able to deal with whatever life has thrown my way (with the help and support of my loved ones of course!) but after practising Mindfulness, it really has sent me off in a whole new direction. If you Google it, you'll see its all about positive thinking , meditation, positive affirmations and psychological awareness which for some is a little far fetched but after combining it with having some solution based therapy, I could see this was going to have positive results.
It also took my thoughts to a new level of appreciating my life. When I allowed myself to daydream, as tears would fall thinking how my mum didn't know on that day that it was in fact, the day she'd take her last breathe. I'd daydream about what would she say now if she was given just one chance? I find comfort in believing she'd tell me to take life with both hands and run with it...and I took it literally! Its taken a lot of time, effort and new found strength to realise life 'is what it is', no one can change it, control it or stop it. We simply just have to roll with the punches but really appreciate what's in our lives and be thankful for everything we have. You might not have everything you want but set a goal and one day you will.
Sunday, 23 June 2013
6. Open Minds
Have you ever heard yourself say ‘I can’t do that’ or ‘I’m not strong enough to achieve something so hard? When you think about it, it’s not that we are not capable, surely anything is possible but it’s more a fear that we have created in our minds that stop us. I read somewhere that we train our bodies, but not our minds but yet there’s the saying ‘if you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything’ so surely we should be training our minds too…
The more I thought about this, the more I started believing it, especially when I had felt it myself since moving to Wales. I’ve read a few self help books in my time and to me, they can give exactly the motivation you need. They are not for everyone, and I am sure this blog isn’t everyone’s cup of tea either but hopefully it is inspiring others to find hope, motivation and to go out there and achieve what you dream of because it’s yours if you want it!
When I was younger I wanted to get really involved with helping similar people to my mum so I volunteered for the charity Mind for a brief period with people with severe mental health problems - I was way out of my depth and I felt far too inexperienced and young with little life experience to give anything back. I didn't continue with it and I moved onto other things. However, there’s always been something inside me that wants to help others see there really is positivity in this world.
Despite my positive mindset, I have been a massive worrier in the past and so much so I started to develop frequent migraines from stresses that would arise. Over the last few years I would be hit with a new one or sequence of them every 6-8 weeks. They are so debilitating that it makes me think about how my mum suffered everyday with her depression, trying to feel better, yet often hitting a brick wall.
As I discovered these migraines are not through alcohol, foods or high intense exercise as the typical triggers can be, I realized they have to be through stress…..well, actually it was more about how I processed my thoughts. As much as I love my mum, my determination has always been ever present to not suffer the way she did, physically and especially mentally. Yet I would find myself stressing over the simplest things and often things out of my control. Naturally I started to think more about my determination and this feeling I had in my heart to live and enjoy life no matter what. I visualized my mum watching me, wishing me to succeed because she didn’t have that opportunity and after raising money for Mind, I thought again about that saying ‘if you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything’…surely having been told I have a healthy mindset, I just needed to steer it in a different direction and that’s when I discovered Mindfulness…
Sunday, 19 May 2013
5. New Strength...
Someone once said to me that they thought my idea of moving to Cardiff was just one of those things you say. They didn’t believe I’d actually do it. I felt a great feeling of satisfaction to prove them wrong! It also proved to me that my determination to succeed had developed a strength I didn’t know possible and I was hungry for other things.
I’d already started to set goals for myself and felt the benefits of achieving them. The biggest sense of achievement was to be able to say I did it for mum and the next challenge I set was to run a 6 mile race. I was no runner. I actually hated running. I’d spend a comfortable 15 minutes on a treadmill and I would ignore the fact I wasn’t pushing myself. However, after completing the 6 miles in a reasonable time, I started to wonder if I could go further and maybe even faster?
My mum never exercised but at a perfect size 12, she didn’t really need to. She would cave into the biscuit tin and say ‘I’ll start my diet tomorrow’. I guess after my fitness was improving I reflected on this memory and this is one way I didn’t want to be like her. Like most women, we want to lose a few pounds here or there but I didn’t want to feel the pressure my mum put on herself. So I vowed to myself I would never be like this. I often wonder if she had exercised would this have helped her depression. It probably would have and maybe things would have been different but I guess I’m never going to know. It’s so hard to think that things really could have been different but over the years it’s taken a lot of time to learn and discover the only way I could get through this was to accept things as they are. Accepting something has changed is really hard when you want it so badly to not be true.
I began running more when I moved out of Cardiff and would run on weekends. I stuck with my 6 miles and maybe a little more but I started to really get into it and learnt if I just believed in myself I knew I could do it! At this time I had no more ‘challenges’ in the pipeline and was ready to take on something new. I realized as my miles increased I got a massive sense of achievement from running. I would give myself a mileage goal before I set off and I wouldn’t return until those miles were done. I also decided if I was doing this, I was doing it properly and I didn’t allow myself to walk, ever.
Running outside was so different to being on the treadmill in a sweaty gym. It’s true what they say about being in the fresh air. It uplifts you but it really helped me as I felt my mum was with me, sitting in the clouds watching me. Some days I really struggled and I hated it, thinking why am I doing this? Keeping my mum in sight, thinking she was at the next set of traffic lights or roundabout, I would find my feet pick me up faster than I knew before. The idea of running the Cardiff half marathon was put to me and I considered it for a long time, not only would I have to run 13 miles on the day but I had to put myself through a training plan first to get me there. Firstly I thought can I be bothered and could I do it but as my mum is my motivator, I thought damn right I can!
When you don’t have a mum anymore and just a memory, there are no words to describe how you feel. When you hear your friends talk about theirs or you witness close relationships like you could have had but don’t, or just when you need some advice and you can’t just pick up the phone and hear their voice. You have to accept that it’s a silent relationship and hope one day you will meet again…
I’d already started to set goals for myself and felt the benefits of achieving them. The biggest sense of achievement was to be able to say I did it for mum and the next challenge I set was to run a 6 mile race. I was no runner. I actually hated running. I’d spend a comfortable 15 minutes on a treadmill and I would ignore the fact I wasn’t pushing myself. However, after completing the 6 miles in a reasonable time, I started to wonder if I could go further and maybe even faster?
My mum never exercised but at a perfect size 12, she didn’t really need to. She would cave into the biscuit tin and say ‘I’ll start my diet tomorrow’. I guess after my fitness was improving I reflected on this memory and this is one way I didn’t want to be like her. Like most women, we want to lose a few pounds here or there but I didn’t want to feel the pressure my mum put on herself. So I vowed to myself I would never be like this. I often wonder if she had exercised would this have helped her depression. It probably would have and maybe things would have been different but I guess I’m never going to know. It’s so hard to think that things really could have been different but over the years it’s taken a lot of time to learn and discover the only way I could get through this was to accept things as they are. Accepting something has changed is really hard when you want it so badly to not be true.
I began running more when I moved out of Cardiff and would run on weekends. I stuck with my 6 miles and maybe a little more but I started to really get into it and learnt if I just believed in myself I knew I could do it! At this time I had no more ‘challenges’ in the pipeline and was ready to take on something new. I realized as my miles increased I got a massive sense of achievement from running. I would give myself a mileage goal before I set off and I wouldn’t return until those miles were done. I also decided if I was doing this, I was doing it properly and I didn’t allow myself to walk, ever.
Running outside was so different to being on the treadmill in a sweaty gym. It’s true what they say about being in the fresh air. It uplifts you but it really helped me as I felt my mum was with me, sitting in the clouds watching me. Some days I really struggled and I hated it, thinking why am I doing this? Keeping my mum in sight, thinking she was at the next set of traffic lights or roundabout, I would find my feet pick me up faster than I knew before. The idea of running the Cardiff half marathon was put to me and I considered it for a long time, not only would I have to run 13 miles on the day but I had to put myself through a training plan first to get me there. Firstly I thought can I be bothered and could I do it but as my mum is my motivator, I thought damn right I can!
When you don’t have a mum anymore and just a memory, there are no words to describe how you feel. When you hear your friends talk about theirs or you witness close relationships like you could have had but don’t, or just when you need some advice and you can’t just pick up the phone and hear their voice. You have to accept that it’s a silent relationship and hope one day you will meet again…
Monday, 15 April 2013
4. Positivity Grows...
I guess I have always been a positive person and after losing my mum, somehow (and I don’t even know how to this day), I remained positive. I had the strength of my family helping me and my mind was really starting to get through this – in a positive way. How could losing someone so close and significant have such a positive outcome for her daughter?
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe you ever really ‘get over’ losing someone. How can anyone really come to terms with that? One thing that I will always struggle with is the fact that my mum, who gave birth to me, who cuddled me when I was born, now just does not even exist anymore? I look at photos and see this beautiful, caring person who did well in her life once upon a time but the reality of her not being a living being anymore – gone, nothing there anymore, is heartbreaking beyond belief.
Reality hurts and when Mothers days come and go or anniversary dates pop up year by year, it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. It is another reminder mine has gone. However, I choose it to also be a reminder to stay focused, positive and an opportunity to let the determination grow even more.
6 months after being in Cardiff, I was living the dream and really enjoying what life was offering me. I was also very lonely with not knowing many people and I had to focus on other things such as the gym. I got really into my fitness more and more and I still enjoyed it. I really did get that ‘feel good’ feeling after. Despite the feeling of being isolated with limited friends, the gym became my haven; a place to think and day dream.
My self esteem was growing and after achieving what I had so far, I knew things were looking up for me. I often reflected back on my action plans and my determination led me to really know what I wanted out of life and I started to learn that believing in myself was going to get me there. I later met JR who, little did I know would be the most incredible person who was ever to walk into my life. To make me feel so loved, beautiful and inspiring to others with constant encouragement to achieve all I wanted to achieve. I had found my soul mate and I melted into further happiness.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe you ever really ‘get over’ losing someone. How can anyone really come to terms with that? One thing that I will always struggle with is the fact that my mum, who gave birth to me, who cuddled me when I was born, now just does not even exist anymore? I look at photos and see this beautiful, caring person who did well in her life once upon a time but the reality of her not being a living being anymore – gone, nothing there anymore, is heartbreaking beyond belief.
Reality hurts and when Mothers days come and go or anniversary dates pop up year by year, it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. It is another reminder mine has gone. However, I choose it to also be a reminder to stay focused, positive and an opportunity to let the determination grow even more.
6 months after being in Cardiff, I was living the dream and really enjoying what life was offering me. I was also very lonely with not knowing many people and I had to focus on other things such as the gym. I got really into my fitness more and more and I still enjoyed it. I really did get that ‘feel good’ feeling after. Despite the feeling of being isolated with limited friends, the gym became my haven; a place to think and day dream.
My self esteem was growing and after achieving what I had so far, I knew things were looking up for me. I often reflected back on my action plans and my determination led me to really know what I wanted out of life and I started to learn that believing in myself was going to get me there. I later met JR who, little did I know would be the most incredible person who was ever to walk into my life. To make me feel so loved, beautiful and inspiring to others with constant encouragement to achieve all I wanted to achieve. I had found my soul mate and I melted into further happiness.
3. Believing in Me!
Life went back to normal with work and socializing and I kept at the gym. I got a sense of happiness from it, it was something I actually got to know and love. However, after my trek, there was something in me that had opened…an energy that glowed and I was buzzing. I didn’t want this feeling to end – I need more; another challenge. I would find myself thinking what can I do next?
I found myself on a lazy Sunday afternoon writing action plans for what I wanted in my life and what I wanted to explore more of for my career, where I wanted to travel, how I wanted to grow as a person and what I wanted from a partner. Little did I know the action plans would help me later on in life; back then they were just lists but as time went by, they became my reality.
A close friend rang one day to say she was taking a job in Cardiff and over time, I started to visit more and more. A year went by and I was liking it and wanted more. Was this my new challenge that was emerging?
September 2007 and my decision was made – I was moving to Cardiff! My emotions were all over the place but something inside me knew this was right. I was leaving my friends and family behind and really taking on my biggest challenge yet – new city, new job, having to make new friends – was I taking on too much? Something was motivating me to make this change, something was pushing me into this direction – I believed my mum could see me – I needed to make her proud. I need to live life to the full and it was time for me to move on.
Arriving in Cardiff was exciting, new and daunting. Here I was in the middle of a city on a Sunday evening, starting my new job tomorrow. An overwhelming feeling of nerves took over and I felt sick. After my first week in work things started to settle; I would email and phone my friends at home regularly but it was time to really start making a life for myself in a new place. I moved into a flat share which I really enjoyed but my social life that once was in Swindon; out with friends most evenings was suddenly very different – I realized how alone I really felt. I signed myself up for a beauty course in the evenings as another way to meet new people and get myself out and about. Every day I was living something new, whether it be to meet more new people or to find yet another new destination. Nervous and anxious emotions arose most days.
Months went by and I was really settling into my new life, despite the anxious moments, I was loving it! As I told my story wherever I went, people would ask what brings you to Cardiff? I simply replied just me! It really was just that – I knew I wanted to live life to the full. I had a determination in me to succeed in a new adventure, keeping my mum in my heart the whole time. Don’t get me wrong, it was not an easy decision; I had lots of great friends and my family in Swindon that I would have to sacrifice leaving behind. However, this wasn’t just for me; this was for my mum too. Something clicked and I noticed I was starting to achieve a goal I had set out to do – live life to the full for her - just as I had thought at 15. Always believing my mum can see me, thoughts began to travel through my mind about setting more goals. I’d done my trek which felt great, and now I’d moved my whole life. What else could I possibly do? My mind had expanded to ideas and places I couldn’t have dreamt of years prior and I found myself thinking, what else is out there for me to discover or achieve? What else can we discover together?
I found myself on a lazy Sunday afternoon writing action plans for what I wanted in my life and what I wanted to explore more of for my career, where I wanted to travel, how I wanted to grow as a person and what I wanted from a partner. Little did I know the action plans would help me later on in life; back then they were just lists but as time went by, they became my reality.
A close friend rang one day to say she was taking a job in Cardiff and over time, I started to visit more and more. A year went by and I was liking it and wanted more. Was this my new challenge that was emerging?
September 2007 and my decision was made – I was moving to Cardiff! My emotions were all over the place but something inside me knew this was right. I was leaving my friends and family behind and really taking on my biggest challenge yet – new city, new job, having to make new friends – was I taking on too much? Something was motivating me to make this change, something was pushing me into this direction – I believed my mum could see me – I needed to make her proud. I need to live life to the full and it was time for me to move on.
Arriving in Cardiff was exciting, new and daunting. Here I was in the middle of a city on a Sunday evening, starting my new job tomorrow. An overwhelming feeling of nerves took over and I felt sick. After my first week in work things started to settle; I would email and phone my friends at home regularly but it was time to really start making a life for myself in a new place. I moved into a flat share which I really enjoyed but my social life that once was in Swindon; out with friends most evenings was suddenly very different – I realized how alone I really felt. I signed myself up for a beauty course in the evenings as another way to meet new people and get myself out and about. Every day I was living something new, whether it be to meet more new people or to find yet another new destination. Nervous and anxious emotions arose most days.
Months went by and I was really settling into my new life, despite the anxious moments, I was loving it! As I told my story wherever I went, people would ask what brings you to Cardiff? I simply replied just me! It really was just that – I knew I wanted to live life to the full. I had a determination in me to succeed in a new adventure, keeping my mum in my heart the whole time. Don’t get me wrong, it was not an easy decision; I had lots of great friends and my family in Swindon that I would have to sacrifice leaving behind. However, this wasn’t just for me; this was for my mum too. Something clicked and I noticed I was starting to achieve a goal I had set out to do – live life to the full for her - just as I had thought at 15. Always believing my mum can see me, thoughts began to travel through my mind about setting more goals. I’d done my trek which felt great, and now I’d moved my whole life. What else could I possibly do? My mind had expanded to ideas and places I couldn’t have dreamt of years prior and I found myself thinking, what else is out there for me to discover or achieve? What else can we discover together?
2. Emotional Rollercoasters
Two years later I remembered that thought at 15, that I was going to live my life, like I am living my mum’s too which always stuck – thank god it did. I am not ashamed to say I went to see my GP, naturally they offered medication but that wasn’t for me. I didn’t believe any pills could change the way I felt. My mum could see me, so I believed and flashbacks of how she used to be appeared in my mind – surely that is not the road I am going down too? That wasn’t me; I just needed to talk and talk I did. I had my own demons that I needed to deal with and actually I needed to grieve. I had locked my emotions up for nearly 10 years and it was time to release them. I was scared to see what I would unravel. 4 months of counseling later, I could see some light. My counselor told me I had good self esteem and was well grounded. This was something new to me but I could do something with that surely?
Whilst listening to Supermode – Tell me why on a sunny holiday in Greece reflecting on that thought and realizing, what have I done that’s different to others? I felt disappointed that I couldn’t think of anything. At that point I started believing actually, I really could live life – just how I wanted.
I needed something to challenge me, something I would be scared of even – something different. Googling ‘Life changing experiences’ was quite an eye opener to the world that awaited me. Then, I found it – a mountain trek in Morocco with a bunch of people I don’t know for a week, climbing mountains and just me – I hit submit and thought what have I done?!
I woke the next day with the reality of having to raise over £1,300, picking a charity to raise it for and worse of all - getting fit. My god this was a serious challenge! I was 23, going out and drinking with friends every weekend with the most exercise I got being my Saturday night dancing! The gym (eventually) became my friend and I was getting fitter. There were so many days when I thought, can I be bothered? I just thought about my mum and the actual reason I signed up for this. She couldn’t do it then and she can’t do it now - I had to do it for her.
Time past and I decided to raise the money for Mind – the biggest mental health charity, supporting people with depression. Reaching a total of £2,000, I flew to Morocco and all I could do was hope the experience was what I had wished for. For one whole week I was out of my comfort zone – it’s a scary place to be when you are not used to it. Emotional days came and went, crying when I remembered why I was doing it. I talked to lots of different people from different walks of life, learning about them but slowly but surely I was learning about me too.
The whole experience really was life changing. I found myself and I started to believe in me and who I was. I also came home believing there is nothing you can’t do in this life. I felt I could do anything after that. I was ready to take on more.
Whilst listening to Supermode – Tell me why on a sunny holiday in Greece reflecting on that thought and realizing, what have I done that’s different to others? I felt disappointed that I couldn’t think of anything. At that point I started believing actually, I really could live life – just how I wanted.
I needed something to challenge me, something I would be scared of even – something different. Googling ‘Life changing experiences’ was quite an eye opener to the world that awaited me. Then, I found it – a mountain trek in Morocco with a bunch of people I don’t know for a week, climbing mountains and just me – I hit submit and thought what have I done?!
I woke the next day with the reality of having to raise over £1,300, picking a charity to raise it for and worse of all - getting fit. My god this was a serious challenge! I was 23, going out and drinking with friends every weekend with the most exercise I got being my Saturday night dancing! The gym (eventually) became my friend and I was getting fitter. There were so many days when I thought, can I be bothered? I just thought about my mum and the actual reason I signed up for this. She couldn’t do it then and she can’t do it now - I had to do it for her.
Time past and I decided to raise the money for Mind – the biggest mental health charity, supporting people with depression. Reaching a total of £2,000, I flew to Morocco and all I could do was hope the experience was what I had wished for. For one whole week I was out of my comfort zone – it’s a scary place to be when you are not used to it. Emotional days came and went, crying when I remembered why I was doing it. I talked to lots of different people from different walks of life, learning about them but slowly but surely I was learning about me too.
The whole experience really was life changing. I found myself and I started to believe in me and who I was. I also came home believing there is nothing you can’t do in this life. I felt I could do anything after that. I was ready to take on more.
1. Naive and Numb
At 12 years old, when your Dad comes in to say ‘mum’s died’ what do you think? What was going on? I had just started my school holidays, 6 whole weeks of fun to begin and enjoy, but week one was to say goodbye to my mum…forever. A naïve 12 year old asks where is mum’s body when we have the funeral Dad? Dad sadly tells me the hard truth that actually mum will be there, but in the coffin. A lump formed in my throat for the rest of that day.
I don’t remember much of those holidays apart from a week in Aberystwyth. I later returned to school where I was asked to remain behind so my tutor could speak to me. ‘I’m sorry to hear about your mum’ she said, my mind is blank, not knowing how I was meant to respond.
My life became very normal again after the school holidays; I attended school as I should and started growing up. Losing my mum made me numb and I enjoyed life with friends as normal hardly giving it much thought. Then a passing thought entered my mind when I was 15 which made a significant difference to the direction my life was going to go in. I decided at that point, I was going to live my life for me, but more importantly for my mum as well. At 39, how could life be taken away from you so tragically? I felt it my duty to make the most of mine.
Feelings of disbelief and the unknown set in and little did I know, they would remain for many years to come. At 19 I moved out of home, which had been troubled at times but I discovered my sense of responsibility, loving life and I started learning my life was only just beginning.
Mum suffered with depression and in 1995, there was no help like there is today, just stigma. There were good and bad days, mainly bad days from my memory. I told her once it was like having two mums. She lacked positivity and self esteem and stress was a big demon in her life. There were days she couldn’t face, yet others she could and I was asking myself why was she like this? I didn’t get it, but how was a 12 year old girl meant to? How could she begin to understand why her mum would get dressed some days and not on others?
The lack of support from GP’s and no form of counselling led my mum to despair at times, feeling all she could do was shut herself away with just her mind tormenting her not knowing how to deal with any thoughts and feelings that arose. As her confused daughter, all I could do was watch. I had no understanding of what I do now…if only I did.
When my 21st birthday came round, something hit me hard – I wasn’t numb anymore.
Feelings of confusion arose which I struggled to know what to do with. Where had these come from? I felt I needed my mum more than ever and the harsh reality of never being able to see or speak to her ever again was another journey I realized I had to start. I was on my own and I only had the strength of my mind to rely on.
I don’t remember much of those holidays apart from a week in Aberystwyth. I later returned to school where I was asked to remain behind so my tutor could speak to me. ‘I’m sorry to hear about your mum’ she said, my mind is blank, not knowing how I was meant to respond.
My life became very normal again after the school holidays; I attended school as I should and started growing up. Losing my mum made me numb and I enjoyed life with friends as normal hardly giving it much thought. Then a passing thought entered my mind when I was 15 which made a significant difference to the direction my life was going to go in. I decided at that point, I was going to live my life for me, but more importantly for my mum as well. At 39, how could life be taken away from you so tragically? I felt it my duty to make the most of mine.
Feelings of disbelief and the unknown set in and little did I know, they would remain for many years to come. At 19 I moved out of home, which had been troubled at times but I discovered my sense of responsibility, loving life and I started learning my life was only just beginning.
Mum suffered with depression and in 1995, there was no help like there is today, just stigma. There were good and bad days, mainly bad days from my memory. I told her once it was like having two mums. She lacked positivity and self esteem and stress was a big demon in her life. There were days she couldn’t face, yet others she could and I was asking myself why was she like this? I didn’t get it, but how was a 12 year old girl meant to? How could she begin to understand why her mum would get dressed some days and not on others?
The lack of support from GP’s and no form of counselling led my mum to despair at times, feeling all she could do was shut herself away with just her mind tormenting her not knowing how to deal with any thoughts and feelings that arose. As her confused daughter, all I could do was watch. I had no understanding of what I do now…if only I did.
When my 21st birthday came round, something hit me hard – I wasn’t numb anymore.
Feelings of confusion arose which I struggled to know what to do with. Where had these come from? I felt I needed my mum more than ever and the harsh reality of never being able to see or speak to her ever again was another journey I realized I had to start. I was on my own and I only had the strength of my mind to rely on.
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