Someone once said to me that they thought my idea of moving to Cardiff was just one of those things you say. They didn’t believe I’d actually do it. I felt a great feeling of satisfaction to prove them wrong! It also proved to me that my determination to succeed had developed a strength I didn’t know possible and I was hungry for other things.
I’d already started to set goals for myself and felt the benefits of achieving them. The biggest sense of achievement was to be able to say I did it for mum and the next challenge I set was to run a 6 mile race. I was no runner. I actually hated running. I’d spend a comfortable 15 minutes on a treadmill and I would ignore the fact I wasn’t pushing myself. However, after completing the 6 miles in a reasonable time, I started to wonder if I could go further and maybe even faster?
My mum never exercised but at a perfect size 12, she didn’t really need to. She would cave into the biscuit tin and say ‘I’ll start my diet tomorrow’. I guess after my fitness was improving I reflected on this memory and this is one way I didn’t want to be like her. Like most women, we want to lose a few pounds here or there but I didn’t want to feel the pressure my mum put on herself. So I vowed to myself I would never be like this. I often wonder if she had exercised would this have helped her depression. It probably would have and maybe things would have been different but I guess I’m never going to know. It’s so hard to think that things really could have been different but over the years it’s taken a lot of time to learn and discover the only way I could get through this was to accept things as they are. Accepting something has changed is really hard when you want it so badly to not be true.
I began running more when I moved out of Cardiff and would run on weekends. I stuck with my 6 miles and maybe a little more but I started to really get into it and learnt if I just believed in myself I knew I could do it! At this time I had no more ‘challenges’ in the pipeline and was ready to take on something new. I realized as my miles increased I got a massive sense of achievement from running. I would give myself a mileage goal before I set off and I wouldn’t return until those miles were done. I also decided if I was doing this, I was doing it properly and I didn’t allow myself to walk, ever.
Running outside was so different to being on the treadmill in a sweaty gym. It’s true what they say about being in the fresh air. It uplifts you but it really helped me as I felt my mum was with me, sitting in the clouds watching me. Some days I really struggled and I hated it, thinking why am I doing this? Keeping my mum in sight, thinking she was at the next set of traffic lights or roundabout, I would find my feet pick me up faster than I knew before. The idea of running the Cardiff half marathon was put to me and I considered it for a long time, not only would I have to run 13 miles on the day but I had to put myself through a training plan first to get me there. Firstly I thought can I be bothered and could I do it but as my mum is my motivator, I thought damn right I can!
When you don’t have a mum anymore and just a memory, there are no words to describe how you feel. When you hear your friends talk about theirs or you witness close relationships like you could have had but don’t, or just when you need some advice and you can’t just pick up the phone and hear their voice. You have to accept that it’s a silent relationship and hope one day you will meet again…
