As Christmas is fast approaching, I dream of a magical moment of having a little communication with my special lady who lives in the sky. I often wonder if I was given the opportunity to speak to my mum today, what would I say, what would she say to me? To hear the sound of her soft, delicate voice and acknowledge the words that flow from her thoughts, thinking long and hard I realised I would say two little words….
Thank You
Why? As time went by and I grew older my mum has continued to drive me forward with things I have wanted to achieve, and taught me things no one ever could, despite not being present. With her strong influence in my heart, when I am crushed by difficult times, the experience continues to teach me to grow an inner strength I never knew I had – until I have to use it. It really does make me reflect on her depression and how she must have been feeling. But actually, I can honestly say that I do not know how she must have felt, simply because I have not been there. Not only that, I am not her in her mind, thinking her thoughts, feeling her feelings, fearing her fears and being inside her mind understanding what it feels like out of her comfort zone. As human beings we are so quick to judge someone’s situation and ‘know what we would do’ but do we really? If we’ve not been there, in their mind, how can we possibly say? I cringe when I realise that once upon a time that was me - being the judge. Conversations flashback to me that I wish I could reverse and approach in such a different way.
Christmas is undoubtedly the hardest time of all after a loss. It's a time I reflect and remember the Christmases I had when my mum would put me to bed, with me buzzing with excitement or the time she told me Dad still believed in Santa and we giggled together sharing a moment of innocent secrecy! A few years back, I visited a counsellor having thought I was beginning to struggle again, only to be told I have a positive outlook on life and to carry on just as I am. To my amazement, she said ‘it’s like you have your mum on your shoulder, living your life with you, learning new things and developing into a new person’. I loved that way of thinking and from that point, I never looked back.
As the end of another year approaches, having taught me things I thought I already knew, a new year is just around the corner to embrace the challenges that inevitably await me. Life really is about change and sometimes you have to deal with it faster than at others. Never will I forget the morning after, waking to a reality that my life had changed forever but my level of understanding was no more than limited, holding onto a vision of Mum walking around just as she always did...to never be seen again. My thoughts drift to my final moment with her and I wince with guilt that I was angry at her for not being well. She asked me to fetch something for her which I did with a sense of reluctance, shutting the door firmly behind me, never to have known that that was the very last chance I had to look at her beautiful face, smile or help her. It pains me that nearly 20 years have passed and I only feel now, I can recognise my thoughts, feelings and judgements from learning Mindfulness or experiencing loss in other ways when relationships or circumstances change and life passes by with new journeys to tackle. Mindfulness has allowed me to continue to learn and appreciate what I have in my life, for what it is now and always remembering that you can't change what you can't control.
Christmas can be so magical and a new year can enable us to allow a new perspective to develop, adapt to new ways of thinking and trying new approaches to the way each day unfolds itself. 2015 marks a 20 year anniversary and my Mum's 60th birthday - She can be damn sure, that with her firmly in my heart and watching from my shoulder that we will celebrate together and in style!!
