Saturday 6 June 2015
Sunday 1 March 2015
12. Skin Deep
As my mind drifts back to 1993, I wonder how my beautiful lady really saw herself. What or who did she see when she looked in the mirror? Did she see her bright blue eyes, gorgeous auburn hair and amazing skin? Did she see a person so caring with so much to give the world? Someone who would teach her children things just by watching her? Did she see the best mummy anyone could ask for? Even though I didn’t know my mum how I would have liked and I didn’t get the chance to learn who she was, really was deep inside; and what creative, funny quirks made her personality, I learn from my Grandad that she was such a beautiful human being. Sadly in her 39 years, she never knew.
When I grew up through my teens, I carried on living a ‘normal’ life as much as possible without a mum. Just finding my way taking deep comfort in the time I spent with my Dad and cherishing every moment we shared together. As I reached my early 20’s I knew I needed to make a change. I’m not even sure where these thoughts came from but I am a huge believer in believing everything happens for a reason. Each situation or circumstance, good or bad is there to teach us something new. It's an opportunity to learn about ourselves which will mould us into what we want to become. As years passed and life continued, I decided I owed it to my mum to take on a conquest of really finding out who I was, and more importantly who and what I wanted to be.
I am not ashamed to say, and I’ve previously mentioned I’ve had my share of counselling. Not necessarily because I was in a bad place in my mind, not like the journey my mum’s mind would take her on but I realised if I was to conquer my own demons and fight for what I wanted to achieve for my beautiful lady, then I couldn’t do it on my own. It was all part of the road I had to take. Looking back now, 10 years on I would put my hand on my heart and say it was the best thing I ever did. It’s true what they say about learning more when you take yourself out of your comfort zone. However, taking yourself out of your emotional comfort zone can be a dark place to enter. Fear sets in. It's so much easier to walk away than to open a door where you don’t know what is on the other side but re-living pain and hurt. Throughout my mum’s depression she struggled to get treatment at times and was often let down by the Psychiatrist which only raised her ever growing anxiety even more... She never got the opportunity to speak before her life was taken from under her feet and the chance was gone.
The beautiful lady I saw was perfect. As a 10 year old child admiring her dewy skin dotted with foundation on her face, she would turn to talk to me and make me laugh or when she glided her rouge lipstick over her smooth delicate lips and I watched with pure admiration and awe. It is these moments I remember that I long to never forget. But the reality was that her self-esteem couldn’t have been further than rock bottom. I wonder what thoughts arose in her tangled mind as she finished her look.
I know it’s such a cliché but it is our own circumstances that teach us that life simply is precious. Whether we have experienced loss or bereavement, relationship breakdowns, financial or work stress or whatever it may be, I find it's always a reminder that it really is for living! It’s also here to enjoy, embrace, challenge and make the most of everything we can apply ourselves to. I realised through my trek and move to Cardiff that this was something I was starting to do and it started taking me places I never knew were possible. I didn’t think a few years ago I would have written this blog and it would have been appreciated by many. With just one mind to play with, surely it’s worth spending a lifetime; your lifetime liking what makes you you. Change parts about yourself you don’t like and be creative with who you want to be rather than hating yourself and concentrating on elements you hate that actually make you who you are. We live in a negative world, so surely concentrating on our strengths is more beneficial to our health and state of mind. Life is so busy for us all and it is extremely easy to lose sight of it. Ironically, even though I can sit and write this, it doesn’t mean my loved ones don’t have to pick me up sometimes too but we are only human right?
I believe it’s about finding your passion in life, whatever it may be. It could be absolutely anything and finding it is the hard part. But once you do, you step into a whole new journey, a new life, a new perspective and focus that only you have control of. Over time I have discovered an appetite for believing that anyone can achieve anything they want to, change their perception of themselves and create the person they aspire to be.
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