11. New Approach

As Christmas is fast approaching, I dream of a magical moment of having a little communication with my special lady who lives in the sky. I often wonder if I was given the opportunity to speak to my mum today, what would I say, what would she say to me? To hear the sound of her soft, delicate voice and acknowledge the words that flow from her thoughts, thinking long and hard I realised I would say two little words….

Thank You

Why? As time went by and I grew older my mum has continued to drive me forward with things I have wanted to achieve, and taught me things no one ever could, despite not being present. With her strong influence in my heart, when I am crushed by difficult times, the experience continues to teach me to grow an inner strength I never knew I had – until I have to use it. It really does make me reflect on her depression and how she must have been feeling. But actually, I can honestly say that I do not know how she must have felt, simply because I have not been there. Not only that, I am not her in her mind, thinking her thoughts, feeling her feelings, fearing her fears and being inside her mind understanding what it feels like out of her comfort zone. As human beings we are so quick to judge someone’s situation and ‘know what we would do’ but do we really? If we’ve not been there, in their mind, how can we possibly say? I cringe when I realise that once upon a time that was me - being the judge. Conversations flashback to me that I wish I could reverse and approach in such a different way. 

Christmas is undoubtedly the hardest time of all after a loss. It's a time I reflect and remember the Christmases I had when my mum would put me to bed, with me buzzing with excitement or the time she told me Dad still believed in Santa and we giggled together sharing a moment of innocent secrecy! A few years back, I visited a counsellor having thought I was beginning to struggle again, only to be told I have a positive outlook on life and to carry on just as I am. To my amazement, she said ‘it’s like you have your mum on your shoulder, living your life with you, learning new things and developing into a new person’. I loved that way of thinking and from that point, I never looked back. 

As the end of another year approaches, having taught me things I thought I already knew, a new year is just around the corner to embrace the challenges that inevitably await me. Life really is about change and sometimes you have to deal with it faster than at others. Never will I forget the morning after, waking to a reality that my life had changed forever but my level of understanding was no more than limited, holding onto a vision of Mum walking around just as she always did...to never be seen again. My thoughts drift to my final moment with her and I wince with guilt that I was angry at her for not being well. She asked me to fetch something for her which I did with a sense of reluctance, shutting the door firmly behind me, never to have known that that was the very last chance I had to look at her beautiful face, smile or help her. It pains me that nearly 20 years have passed and I only feel now, I can recognise my thoughts, feelings and judgements from learning Mindfulness or experiencing loss in other ways when relationships or circumstances change and life passes by with new journeys to tackle. Mindfulness has allowed me to continue to learn and appreciate what I have in my life, for what it is now and always remembering that you can't change what you can't control. 

Christmas can be so magical and a new year can enable us to allow a new perspective to develop, adapt to new ways of thinking and trying new approaches to the way each day unfolds itself. 2015 marks a 20 year anniversary and my Mum's 60th birthday - She can be damn sure, that with her firmly in my heart and watching from my shoulder that we will celebrate together and in style!!

10. Raw

Sometimes life has a cruel way of providing us with surprises we weren't expecting and then we are so hopelessly left to pick up the pieces of our hearts. With your stomach in your mouth, just how do you move on with each day but the harsh reality is, that life goes on. People are still living their lives, smiling, laughing and having fun when you are mourning and feeling such a loss. When you hear that someone has died, you can't help but feel the emotions and see the pictures that are stamped in your mind, never to be erased. I used to often think about the moment my Dad told me; the words 'mum's died' ringing through my ears, the moment he asked me to write the card for mums flowers for her funeral or the moment I walked down the aisle with him for the first time....certainly not the way I imagined it would be as we said goodbye to someone who touched our hearts in ways she will never know.

 

With Mothers’ Days passing, being a fairly normal day for me, apart from the longing to give my mum the gift I saw that I thought she'd love or taking her out for food or just the 10 seconds of pure love and emotion to squeeze through to her in a hug. But with the heart wrenching truth that life continues to tell me, I realise I can't. I face the harsh reality that I just can't and never will. The moment I hear a song that reminds me of her and I start to remember the fond memories I have, only for them to rapidly sink and the truth to rise its ugly head to tell me yet again, she's gone. And it hurts, still 19 years on.

 

Some years ago I recognised I had a choice with how I was going to deal with my grief - focus on my happiness or be sad. I knew I didn't want to feel the way my mum felt with her depression. The mental torment she went through, not being able to cope with her thoughts and as I have grown older this determination is ever present in all that I do and I chose happiness. As years have gone by I've learnt the hard way that life is about moving on, accepting changes, getting over unexpected obstacles and looking forward to what makes you stronger and more complete. My 90 year old Granddad is an inspiration to me in so many ways. Having been on his own for 15 years, he tells me he doesn't weep because his wife has gone, because you simply can't do anything about it. He's so right. This inspired me to think more about letting go of things I can’t control.

 

Life is what it is, it’s about making memories for you to cherish, it’s about learning to love what you have, not wishing for more than you need, not comparing you to others, just believing in you, your capabilities and working on the strengths that make you who you are. I look back and wish my mum took the opportunity to learn this to take her away from the depths of her depression. I always wonder what she would have achieved or created in her life had this of happened for her. I am a strong believer in things happening for a reason. No one will ever be able to explain why my mum had to go when she did but life has a weird way of teaching us things from the most heart-breaking ways. Sometimes life throws you a curveball and it breaks you but over time, from the tragic loss of my mum, I have learnt an opposite way to deal with things than she did. I have slowly but surely developed a different outlook on life that has made me feel the strongest I can feel, even in the worse situations. It’s about being able to approach things in a manner that only I have learnt through the toughest of times.

A lot of people will say to me that I am a positive person, but like anyone I go through the hard times too, facing new things to deal with, wanting to be able to just pick up the phone to hear the one voice I can barely remember but instead of running away, I will look at how I’m going to solve issues and get myself through. Pushing myself with new challenges, putting my mind to something such as my running has enabled me to build on a foundation of strength that I know my mum never had. It’s about facing problems head on, facing your fears and knowing that whatever happens is the way it’s meant to be. I want to pass this feeling on to help and inspire others to get through their tough times, no matter what that might be, it’s important because it’s important to you.

 

Each and every day we are all learning more and more about ourselves, how we approach life with what comes our way, learning not to judge others for their decisions and taking life with both hands, following our dreams and doing whatever is in our heart. No matter what, if you are asking yourself if you should do something, you should just go and do it and enjoy the journey it takes you on….

9. Early Memories💗

8. Acceptance

If you were to write a letter to someone you lost, what would you say? So many questions, thoughts and feelings spring to mind. As part of the healing process, I learnt that writing was my way of expressing myself and releasing the emotions that were stuck inside me. Over the years as time has passed (nearly 19 years to be exact) I find it hard to comprehend that I often don’t remember what it was actually like to have a mum; a mother figure to guide, love and support you through times when you are helpless or lost in what direction to take next. As I come to terms with the fact that mine watches me from above, I am forced to continue with just the distant memories that are slipping away so fast.

 

As I sit today thinking of good times we had, I struggle to remember probably some of the best times of my childhood after blocking them away for so long. I have been without her, for longer than I had her which is sometimes one of the hardest facts to accept, with every year getting worse. As part of my initial counselling going back 8 years ago, I was advised that maybe writing a letter would be a good way to allow my emotions to flow freely and with the intention of me feeling able to cope with my loss. Here’s what I wrote…

 

‘Dear Mum,  

 

It’s been 11 years now since you have gone; I don’t know how I have managed without you. I miss you so much, we all do. I wish I could have understood how you were feeling at the time, it would have made more sense but now I am trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and I can’t hear it from you. I would give anything to talk to you now. I want you to know me for the person I am today. I want to get to know you too. We never had the chance to build that close relationship I think we would have had. I find it hard I am never going to have that with you. I know you would have wanted it too. I feel like I never really knew you, all I have now is stories from others. It’s just not the same.

 

I wish I could hear your voice or feel your touch. I want you to know how I have been and what I have been up to. I want you to know I did well in school and college and now living on my own with a good job. I wish you could see how well R has done too and how proud of him I am. When I was 12 I don’t remember getting very upset, but now I am older I need you with me a lot more but it’s not like I can just pick up the phone, like my friends can with theirs. I just have to accept I am never going to see or speak to you again. Like I said, I would do anything to have you back, anything to just give you a hug. People have said to me that I am like you with my mannerisms which I take comfort from; it makes me like who I am. I often wonder what life would be like if you were still here. How would my life have panned out? My friends tell me I am a strong person, especially after losing you and Nan who was my last motherly connection to you. I found that hard. I know Granddad did too but we’ve had to find more inner strength. My way of dealing with losing you has been to always believe that things happen for a reason, you might not know why or understand why it has happened but it is the way it’s meant to be, however cruel it might feel. I don’t understand why you had to go and I don’t think I ever will.  

 

You were so young at 39 to die, just like that. Life seems so harsh to take someone so beautiful away. When I was in my teens I remember saying I was going to enjoy my life as much as I can because you didn’t get the chance. I want to do as much as I can and experience everything possible. I have learnt the hard way that life is short; you don’t know what is around the corner for you so you just have to enjoy it. If I had one chance to say to you now, I would tell you I love you so much, always have and always will and you will always be with me in my heart.

 

All my love

 

Sarah xxx’

 

Some people I am sure will wonder why I am even writing this blog but not only does it help me as I enjoy writing but I have reached a point where life has turned around from feeling this horrific loss and learning how to cope to a life I love, enjoy and embrace! I want to share an experience that has turned out quite incredible and very different to how I could have ever imagined. I have learnt from being on a very long journey (and still being on it) that life is simply, what it is and only you can make your own happiness. Happiness is a state of mind, it’s a decision only you can make.

 

If my mum was still with us, I have to ask myself would I have done all that I have done? The reality is probably not, having used her as my motivation in everything I have put my mind to. Learning to accept that my mum is simply only in my thoughts, a figure in my imagination and nothing more is undoubtedly the most painful thought I can have but I take comfort in believing she is somewhere, I am sure.

 

Over the years people have asked me how have I coped? As I approach a 19 year anniversary it is only now I can say this is what I did. I developed a passion for taking life with both hands, having a strong belief my mum was always with me, accepting this was the way life was, letting go of trying to control it, trying new things to boost my own confidence, learning to grow as a person, learning to like and eventually love who I was becoming, walking through life one step at a time. I started taking on challenges people were surprised to see me do, but the sense of achievement I felt was overwhelming and liberating and I craved more. Sometimes I feel a sense of guilt for not wanting to change the things I have done, even though they have come from an experience that I should always want to change.

 

Acceptance of your situation is the hardest but the best thing you can do. After starting to accept things as they were, I was using my mum as my motivator, even my mental tool and driving force to concentrate on when things got tough. I used her to stimulate my mind with positivity when I felt fearful when I was nervous as to whether I could actually run 13 miles or when I started public speaking at work. She got me through it and I didn’t fall to pieces. She still helped me through, in her own way and in the only way she could. She guided me to this happiness I feel now. I didn’t ever imagine at the time that such a tragic situation could grow into something so overwhelmingly positive. As I write this the sun is shining so brightly, and I can’t help but smile knowing my mum is up there somewhere. No matter what, she is still my mum, and the beautiful lady who lives in the sky.