I guess I have always been a positive person and after losing my mum, somehow (and I don’t even know how to this day), I remained positive. I had the strength of my family helping me and my mind was really starting to get through this – in a positive way. How could losing someone so close and significant have such a positive outcome for her daughter?
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe you ever really ‘get over’ losing someone. How can anyone really come to terms with that? One thing that I will always struggle with is the fact that my mum, who gave birth to me, who cuddled me when I was born, now just does not even exist anymore? I look at photos and see this beautiful, caring person who did well in her life once upon a time but the reality of her not being a living being anymore – gone, nothing there anymore, is heartbreaking beyond belief.
Reality hurts and when Mothers days come and go or anniversary dates pop up year by year, it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. It is another reminder mine has gone. However, I choose it to also be a reminder to stay focused, positive and an opportunity to let the determination grow even more.
6 months after being in Cardiff, I was living the dream and really enjoying what life was offering me. I was also very lonely with not knowing many people and I had to focus on other things such as the gym. I got really into my fitness more and more and I still enjoyed it. I really did get that ‘feel good’ feeling after. Despite the feeling of being isolated with limited friends, the gym became my haven; a place to think and day dream.
My self esteem was growing and after achieving what I had so far, I knew things were looking up for me. I often reflected back on my action plans and my determination led me to really know what I wanted out of life and I started to learn that believing in myself was going to get me there. I later met JR who, little did I know would be the most incredible person who was ever to walk into my life. To make me feel so loved, beautiful and inspiring to others with constant encouragement to achieve all I wanted to achieve. I had found my soul mate and I melted into further happiness.
Monday 15 April 2013
3. Believing in Me!
Life went back to normal with work and socializing and I kept at the gym. I got a sense of happiness from it, it was something I actually got to know and love. However, after my trek, there was something in me that had opened…an energy that glowed and I was buzzing. I didn’t want this feeling to end – I need more; another challenge. I would find myself thinking what can I do next?
I found myself on a lazy Sunday afternoon writing action plans for what I wanted in my life and what I wanted to explore more of for my career, where I wanted to travel, how I wanted to grow as a person and what I wanted from a partner. Little did I know the action plans would help me later on in life; back then they were just lists but as time went by, they became my reality.
A close friend rang one day to say she was taking a job in Cardiff and over time, I started to visit more and more. A year went by and I was liking it and wanted more. Was this my new challenge that was emerging?
September 2007 and my decision was made – I was moving to Cardiff! My emotions were all over the place but something inside me knew this was right. I was leaving my friends and family behind and really taking on my biggest challenge yet – new city, new job, having to make new friends – was I taking on too much? Something was motivating me to make this change, something was pushing me into this direction – I believed my mum could see me – I needed to make her proud. I need to live life to the full and it was time for me to move on.
Arriving in Cardiff was exciting, new and daunting. Here I was in the middle of a city on a Sunday evening, starting my new job tomorrow. An overwhelming feeling of nerves took over and I felt sick. After my first week in work things started to settle; I would email and phone my friends at home regularly but it was time to really start making a life for myself in a new place. I moved into a flat share which I really enjoyed but my social life that once was in Swindon; out with friends most evenings was suddenly very different – I realized how alone I really felt. I signed myself up for a beauty course in the evenings as another way to meet new people and get myself out and about. Every day I was living something new, whether it be to meet more new people or to find yet another new destination. Nervous and anxious emotions arose most days.
Months went by and I was really settling into my new life, despite the anxious moments, I was loving it! As I told my story wherever I went, people would ask what brings you to Cardiff? I simply replied just me! It really was just that – I knew I wanted to live life to the full. I had a determination in me to succeed in a new adventure, keeping my mum in my heart the whole time. Don’t get me wrong, it was not an easy decision; I had lots of great friends and my family in Swindon that I would have to sacrifice leaving behind. However, this wasn’t just for me; this was for my mum too. Something clicked and I noticed I was starting to achieve a goal I had set out to do – live life to the full for her - just as I had thought at 15. Always believing my mum can see me, thoughts began to travel through my mind about setting more goals. I’d done my trek which felt great, and now I’d moved my whole life. What else could I possibly do? My mind had expanded to ideas and places I couldn’t have dreamt of years prior and I found myself thinking, what else is out there for me to discover or achieve? What else can we discover together?
I found myself on a lazy Sunday afternoon writing action plans for what I wanted in my life and what I wanted to explore more of for my career, where I wanted to travel, how I wanted to grow as a person and what I wanted from a partner. Little did I know the action plans would help me later on in life; back then they were just lists but as time went by, they became my reality.
A close friend rang one day to say she was taking a job in Cardiff and over time, I started to visit more and more. A year went by and I was liking it and wanted more. Was this my new challenge that was emerging?
September 2007 and my decision was made – I was moving to Cardiff! My emotions were all over the place but something inside me knew this was right. I was leaving my friends and family behind and really taking on my biggest challenge yet – new city, new job, having to make new friends – was I taking on too much? Something was motivating me to make this change, something was pushing me into this direction – I believed my mum could see me – I needed to make her proud. I need to live life to the full and it was time for me to move on.
Arriving in Cardiff was exciting, new and daunting. Here I was in the middle of a city on a Sunday evening, starting my new job tomorrow. An overwhelming feeling of nerves took over and I felt sick. After my first week in work things started to settle; I would email and phone my friends at home regularly but it was time to really start making a life for myself in a new place. I moved into a flat share which I really enjoyed but my social life that once was in Swindon; out with friends most evenings was suddenly very different – I realized how alone I really felt. I signed myself up for a beauty course in the evenings as another way to meet new people and get myself out and about. Every day I was living something new, whether it be to meet more new people or to find yet another new destination. Nervous and anxious emotions arose most days.
Months went by and I was really settling into my new life, despite the anxious moments, I was loving it! As I told my story wherever I went, people would ask what brings you to Cardiff? I simply replied just me! It really was just that – I knew I wanted to live life to the full. I had a determination in me to succeed in a new adventure, keeping my mum in my heart the whole time. Don’t get me wrong, it was not an easy decision; I had lots of great friends and my family in Swindon that I would have to sacrifice leaving behind. However, this wasn’t just for me; this was for my mum too. Something clicked and I noticed I was starting to achieve a goal I had set out to do – live life to the full for her - just as I had thought at 15. Always believing my mum can see me, thoughts began to travel through my mind about setting more goals. I’d done my trek which felt great, and now I’d moved my whole life. What else could I possibly do? My mind had expanded to ideas and places I couldn’t have dreamt of years prior and I found myself thinking, what else is out there for me to discover or achieve? What else can we discover together?
2. Emotional Rollercoasters
Two years later I remembered that thought at 15, that I was going to live my life, like I am living my mum’s too which always stuck – thank god it did. I am not ashamed to say I went to see my GP, naturally they offered medication but that wasn’t for me. I didn’t believe any pills could change the way I felt. My mum could see me, so I believed and flashbacks of how she used to be appeared in my mind – surely that is not the road I am going down too? That wasn’t me; I just needed to talk and talk I did. I had my own demons that I needed to deal with and actually I needed to grieve. I had locked my emotions up for nearly 10 years and it was time to release them. I was scared to see what I would unravel. 4 months of counseling later, I could see some light. My counselor told me I had good self esteem and was well grounded. This was something new to me but I could do something with that surely?
Whilst listening to Supermode – Tell me why on a sunny holiday in Greece reflecting on that thought and realizing, what have I done that’s different to others? I felt disappointed that I couldn’t think of anything. At that point I started believing actually, I really could live life – just how I wanted.
I needed something to challenge me, something I would be scared of even – something different. Googling ‘Life changing experiences’ was quite an eye opener to the world that awaited me. Then, I found it – a mountain trek in Morocco with a bunch of people I don’t know for a week, climbing mountains and just me – I hit submit and thought what have I done?!
I woke the next day with the reality of having to raise over £1,300, picking a charity to raise it for and worse of all - getting fit. My god this was a serious challenge! I was 23, going out and drinking with friends every weekend with the most exercise I got being my Saturday night dancing! The gym (eventually) became my friend and I was getting fitter. There were so many days when I thought, can I be bothered? I just thought about my mum and the actual reason I signed up for this. She couldn’t do it then and she can’t do it now - I had to do it for her.
Time past and I decided to raise the money for Mind – the biggest mental health charity, supporting people with depression. Reaching a total of £2,000, I flew to Morocco and all I could do was hope the experience was what I had wished for. For one whole week I was out of my comfort zone – it’s a scary place to be when you are not used to it. Emotional days came and went, crying when I remembered why I was doing it. I talked to lots of different people from different walks of life, learning about them but slowly but surely I was learning about me too.
The whole experience really was life changing. I found myself and I started to believe in me and who I was. I also came home believing there is nothing you can’t do in this life. I felt I could do anything after that. I was ready to take on more.
Whilst listening to Supermode – Tell me why on a sunny holiday in Greece reflecting on that thought and realizing, what have I done that’s different to others? I felt disappointed that I couldn’t think of anything. At that point I started believing actually, I really could live life – just how I wanted.
I needed something to challenge me, something I would be scared of even – something different. Googling ‘Life changing experiences’ was quite an eye opener to the world that awaited me. Then, I found it – a mountain trek in Morocco with a bunch of people I don’t know for a week, climbing mountains and just me – I hit submit and thought what have I done?!
I woke the next day with the reality of having to raise over £1,300, picking a charity to raise it for and worse of all - getting fit. My god this was a serious challenge! I was 23, going out and drinking with friends every weekend with the most exercise I got being my Saturday night dancing! The gym (eventually) became my friend and I was getting fitter. There were so many days when I thought, can I be bothered? I just thought about my mum and the actual reason I signed up for this. She couldn’t do it then and she can’t do it now - I had to do it for her.
Time past and I decided to raise the money for Mind – the biggest mental health charity, supporting people with depression. Reaching a total of £2,000, I flew to Morocco and all I could do was hope the experience was what I had wished for. For one whole week I was out of my comfort zone – it’s a scary place to be when you are not used to it. Emotional days came and went, crying when I remembered why I was doing it. I talked to lots of different people from different walks of life, learning about them but slowly but surely I was learning about me too.
The whole experience really was life changing. I found myself and I started to believe in me and who I was. I also came home believing there is nothing you can’t do in this life. I felt I could do anything after that. I was ready to take on more.
1. Naive and Numb
At 12 years old, when your Dad comes in to say ‘mum’s died’ what do you think? What was going on? I had just started my school holidays, 6 whole weeks of fun to begin and enjoy, but week one was to say goodbye to my mum…forever. A naïve 12 year old asks where is mum’s body when we have the funeral Dad? Dad sadly tells me the hard truth that actually mum will be there, but in the coffin. A lump formed in my throat for the rest of that day.
I don’t remember much of those holidays apart from a week in Aberystwyth. I later returned to school where I was asked to remain behind so my tutor could speak to me. ‘I’m sorry to hear about your mum’ she said, my mind is blank, not knowing how I was meant to respond.
My life became very normal again after the school holidays; I attended school as I should and started growing up. Losing my mum made me numb and I enjoyed life with friends as normal hardly giving it much thought. Then a passing thought entered my mind when I was 15 which made a significant difference to the direction my life was going to go in. I decided at that point, I was going to live my life for me, but more importantly for my mum as well. At 39, how could life be taken away from you so tragically? I felt it my duty to make the most of mine.
Feelings of disbelief and the unknown set in and little did I know, they would remain for many years to come. At 19 I moved out of home, which had been troubled at times but I discovered my sense of responsibility, loving life and I started learning my life was only just beginning.
Mum suffered with depression and in 1995, there was no help like there is today, just stigma. There were good and bad days, mainly bad days from my memory. I told her once it was like having two mums. She lacked positivity and self esteem and stress was a big demon in her life. There were days she couldn’t face, yet others she could and I was asking myself why was she like this? I didn’t get it, but how was a 12 year old girl meant to? How could she begin to understand why her mum would get dressed some days and not on others?
The lack of support from GP’s and no form of counselling led my mum to despair at times, feeling all she could do was shut herself away with just her mind tormenting her not knowing how to deal with any thoughts and feelings that arose. As her confused daughter, all I could do was watch. I had no understanding of what I do now…if only I did.
When my 21st birthday came round, something hit me hard – I wasn’t numb anymore.
Feelings of confusion arose which I struggled to know what to do with. Where had these come from? I felt I needed my mum more than ever and the harsh reality of never being able to see or speak to her ever again was another journey I realized I had to start. I was on my own and I only had the strength of my mind to rely on.
I don’t remember much of those holidays apart from a week in Aberystwyth. I later returned to school where I was asked to remain behind so my tutor could speak to me. ‘I’m sorry to hear about your mum’ she said, my mind is blank, not knowing how I was meant to respond.
My life became very normal again after the school holidays; I attended school as I should and started growing up. Losing my mum made me numb and I enjoyed life with friends as normal hardly giving it much thought. Then a passing thought entered my mind when I was 15 which made a significant difference to the direction my life was going to go in. I decided at that point, I was going to live my life for me, but more importantly for my mum as well. At 39, how could life be taken away from you so tragically? I felt it my duty to make the most of mine.
Feelings of disbelief and the unknown set in and little did I know, they would remain for many years to come. At 19 I moved out of home, which had been troubled at times but I discovered my sense of responsibility, loving life and I started learning my life was only just beginning.
Mum suffered with depression and in 1995, there was no help like there is today, just stigma. There were good and bad days, mainly bad days from my memory. I told her once it was like having two mums. She lacked positivity and self esteem and stress was a big demon in her life. There were days she couldn’t face, yet others she could and I was asking myself why was she like this? I didn’t get it, but how was a 12 year old girl meant to? How could she begin to understand why her mum would get dressed some days and not on others?
The lack of support from GP’s and no form of counselling led my mum to despair at times, feeling all she could do was shut herself away with just her mind tormenting her not knowing how to deal with any thoughts and feelings that arose. As her confused daughter, all I could do was watch. I had no understanding of what I do now…if only I did.
When my 21st birthday came round, something hit me hard – I wasn’t numb anymore.
Feelings of confusion arose which I struggled to know what to do with. Where had these come from? I felt I needed my mum more than ever and the harsh reality of never being able to see or speak to her ever again was another journey I realized I had to start. I was on my own and I only had the strength of my mind to rely on.
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