8. Acceptance

If you were to write a letter to someone you lost, what would you say? So many questions, thoughts and feelings spring to mind. As part of the healing process, I learnt that writing was my way of expressing myself and releasing the emotions that were stuck inside me. Over the years as time has passed (nearly 19 years to be exact) I find it hard to comprehend that I often don’t remember what it was actually like to have a mum; a mother figure to guide, love and support you through times when you are helpless or lost in what direction to take next. As I come to terms with the fact that mine watches me from above, I am forced to continue with just the distant memories that are slipping away so fast.

 

As I sit today thinking of good times we had, I struggle to remember probably some of the best times of my childhood after blocking them away for so long. I have been without her, for longer than I had her which is sometimes one of the hardest facts to accept, with every year getting worse. As part of my initial counselling going back 8 years ago, I was advised that maybe writing a letter would be a good way to allow my emotions to flow freely and with the intention of me feeling able to cope with my loss. Here’s what I wrote…

 

‘Dear Mum,  

 

It’s been 11 years now since you have gone; I don’t know how I have managed without you. I miss you so much, we all do. I wish I could have understood how you were feeling at the time, it would have made more sense but now I am trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and I can’t hear it from you. I would give anything to talk to you now. I want you to know me for the person I am today. I want to get to know you too. We never had the chance to build that close relationship I think we would have had. I find it hard I am never going to have that with you. I know you would have wanted it too. I feel like I never really knew you, all I have now is stories from others. It’s just not the same.

 

I wish I could hear your voice or feel your touch. I want you to know how I have been and what I have been up to. I want you to know I did well in school and college and now living on my own with a good job. I wish you could see how well R has done too and how proud of him I am. When I was 12 I don’t remember getting very upset, but now I am older I need you with me a lot more but it’s not like I can just pick up the phone, like my friends can with theirs. I just have to accept I am never going to see or speak to you again. Like I said, I would do anything to have you back, anything to just give you a hug. People have said to me that I am like you with my mannerisms which I take comfort from; it makes me like who I am. I often wonder what life would be like if you were still here. How would my life have panned out? My friends tell me I am a strong person, especially after losing you and Nan who was my last motherly connection to you. I found that hard. I know Granddad did too but we’ve had to find more inner strength. My way of dealing with losing you has been to always believe that things happen for a reason, you might not know why or understand why it has happened but it is the way it’s meant to be, however cruel it might feel. I don’t understand why you had to go and I don’t think I ever will.  

 

You were so young at 39 to die, just like that. Life seems so harsh to take someone so beautiful away. When I was in my teens I remember saying I was going to enjoy my life as much as I can because you didn’t get the chance. I want to do as much as I can and experience everything possible. I have learnt the hard way that life is short; you don’t know what is around the corner for you so you just have to enjoy it. If I had one chance to say to you now, I would tell you I love you so much, always have and always will and you will always be with me in my heart.

 

All my love

 

Sarah xxx’

 

Some people I am sure will wonder why I am even writing this blog but not only does it help me as I enjoy writing but I have reached a point where life has turned around from feeling this horrific loss and learning how to cope to a life I love, enjoy and embrace! I want to share an experience that has turned out quite incredible and very different to how I could have ever imagined. I have learnt from being on a very long journey (and still being on it) that life is simply, what it is and only you can make your own happiness. Happiness is a state of mind, it’s a decision only you can make.

 

If my mum was still with us, I have to ask myself would I have done all that I have done? The reality is probably not, having used her as my motivation in everything I have put my mind to. Learning to accept that my mum is simply only in my thoughts, a figure in my imagination and nothing more is undoubtedly the most painful thought I can have but I take comfort in believing she is somewhere, I am sure.

 

Over the years people have asked me how have I coped? As I approach a 19 year anniversary it is only now I can say this is what I did. I developed a passion for taking life with both hands, having a strong belief my mum was always with me, accepting this was the way life was, letting go of trying to control it, trying new things to boost my own confidence, learning to grow as a person, learning to like and eventually love who I was becoming, walking through life one step at a time. I started taking on challenges people were surprised to see me do, but the sense of achievement I felt was overwhelming and liberating and I craved more. Sometimes I feel a sense of guilt for not wanting to change the things I have done, even though they have come from an experience that I should always want to change.

 

Acceptance of your situation is the hardest but the best thing you can do. After starting to accept things as they were, I was using my mum as my motivator, even my mental tool and driving force to concentrate on when things got tough. I used her to stimulate my mind with positivity when I felt fearful when I was nervous as to whether I could actually run 13 miles or when I started public speaking at work. She got me through it and I didn’t fall to pieces. She still helped me through, in her own way and in the only way she could. She guided me to this happiness I feel now. I didn’t ever imagine at the time that such a tragic situation could grow into something so overwhelmingly positive. As I write this the sun is shining so brightly, and I can’t help but smile knowing my mum is up there somewhere. No matter what, she is still my mum, and the beautiful lady who lives in the sky.