I didn't quite get it at first, when they said to me try it with a raisin and feel it, smell it, see it, taste it and appreciate it...my first thought was what on earth are they talking about?! I thought they were bonkers! When I googled it, it really was a mind field but I found myself feeling quite intrigued to discover more.
As I read on, I started learning that Mindfulness was nothing more than having an awareness of our thoughts, feelings and sensations and accepting things just as they are. It was about letting go of the things you can't control. I was still pretty clueless and thought, but what does it actually do? It claims to create lots of happiness so it was worth a try! There was one thing reading about it and another thing 'practising' it. Knowing I needed to train my mind into a different direction and keeping my mum deep in my heart and present in my thoughts, I made a conscious effort to 'be in the present moment' as it suggests concentrating on just one thing at a time.
I quickly noticed how my mind would wonder and ruminate and before I knew it, it would spiral into the what if's and worrying about what might happen or had happened and been and gone. This was proving to be extremely hard to bring my mind back. Mindfulness is, as it says on the tin, its about being mindful of your thoughts. How many times do we worry about what might happen next week, month or year? Or run over and over something that's happened in the past whether an event, incident or conversation that's played on our minds?
Mindfulness was able to bring me back to the present. It's not easy when you are who you are and think just how you've always thought, for 30 years. I'd set myself a goal and my ultimate aim was for this to work but changing 30 years of doing something one way was going to possibly be my biggest challenge I was about to face. Just when I thought my move to Wales, trek and running half marathons was enough, I felt this was the biggest but possibly the most positive achievement I could seriously achieve...if I trained my mind.
Returning my thoughts to my mum, I wondered if she struggled with her thoughts as much as I imagined. I realised for someone with depression, it was way beyond the stretch of my imagination. I found a powerful book by Katie Piper called Things Get Better and although I wasn't in a bad place at the time, I felt compelled to read it. Her story and achievements were enough to make me want to learn more about her, her story and how she coped and although I had not been through something as horrific as she did, a realisation became apparent and I asked myself who was to say that losing your mum as a 12 year old child wasn't as horrific as having your face burnt with acid?
Reading her story inspired me so much and the words she wrote give so much hope, faith and encouragement. It brings tears to a dry eye in every sentence. Katie herself writes how everyone's story is different and no matter how big or small, whatever has happened it is important to you and that is important. It's about finding ways to cope and build strength deep within. Over the years I have felt stronger and stronger to be able to deal with whatever life has thrown my way (with the help and support of my loved ones of course!) but after practising Mindfulness, it really has sent me off in a whole new direction. If you Google it, you'll see its all about positive thinking , meditation, positive affirmations and psychological awareness which for some is a little far fetched but after combining it with having some solution based therapy, I could see this was going to have positive results.
It also took my thoughts to a new level of appreciating my life. When I allowed myself to daydream, as tears would fall thinking how my mum didn't know on that day that it was in fact, the day she'd take her last breathe. I'd daydream about what would she say now if she was given just one chance? I find comfort in believing she'd tell me to take life with both hands and run with it...and I took it literally! Its taken a lot of time, effort and new found strength to realise life 'is what it is', no one can change it, control it or stop it. We simply just have to roll with the punches but really appreciate what's in our lives and be thankful for everything we have. You might not have everything you want but set a goal and one day you will.
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