1. Naive and Numb

At 12 years old, when your Dad comes in to say ‘mum’s died’ what do you think? What was going on? I had just started my school holidays, 6 whole weeks of fun to begin and enjoy, but week one was to say goodbye to my mum…forever. A naïve 12 year old asks where is mum’s body when we have the funeral Dad? Dad sadly tells me the hard truth that actually mum will be there, but in the coffin. A lump formed in my throat for the rest of that day.

I don’t remember much of those holidays apart from a week in Aberystwyth. I later returned to school where I was asked to remain behind so my tutor could speak to me. ‘I’m sorry to hear about your mum’ she said, my mind is blank, not knowing how I was meant to respond.

My life became very normal again after the school holidays; I attended school as I should and started growing up. Losing my mum made me numb and I enjoyed life with friends as normal hardly giving it much thought. Then a passing thought entered my mind when I was 15 which made a significant difference to the direction my life was going to go in. I decided at that point, I was going to live my life for me, but more importantly for my mum as well. At 39, how could life be taken away from you so tragically? I felt it my duty to make the most of mine.

Feelings of disbelief and the unknown set in and little did I know, they would remain for many years to come. At 19 I moved out of home, which had been troubled at times but I discovered my sense of responsibility, loving life and I started learning my life was only just beginning.

Mum suffered with depression and in 1995, there was no help like there is today, just stigma. There were good and bad days, mainly bad days from my memory. I told her once it was like having two mums. She lacked positivity and self esteem and stress was a big demon in her life. There were days she couldn’t face, yet others she could and I was asking myself why was she like this? I didn’t get it, but how was a 12 year old girl meant to? How could she begin to understand why her mum would get dressed some days and not on others?

The lack of support from GP’s and no form of counselling led my mum to despair at times, feeling all she could do was shut herself away with just her mind tormenting her not knowing how to deal with any thoughts and feelings that arose. As her confused daughter, all I could do was watch. I had no understanding of what I do now…if only I did.

When my 21st birthday came round, something hit me hard – I wasn’t numb anymore.
Feelings of confusion arose which I struggled to know what to do with. Where had these come from? I felt I needed my mum more than ever and the harsh reality of never being able to see or speak to her ever again was another journey I realized I had to start. I was on my own and I only had the strength of my mind to rely on.