2. Emotional Rollercoasters

Two years later I remembered that thought at 15, that I was going to live my life, like I am living my mum’s too which always stuck – thank god it did. I am not ashamed to say I went to see my GP, naturally they offered medication but that wasn’t for me. I didn’t believe any pills could change the way I felt. My mum could see me, so I believed and flashbacks of how she used to be appeared in my mind – surely that is not the road I am going down too? That wasn’t me; I just needed to talk and talk I did. I had my own demons that I needed to deal with and actually I needed to grieve. I had locked my emotions up for nearly 10 years and it was time to release them. I was scared to see what I would unravel. 4 months of counseling later, I could see some light. My counselor told me I had good self esteem and was well grounded. This was something new to me but I could do something with that surely?

Whilst listening to Supermode – Tell me why on a sunny holiday in Greece reflecting on that thought and realizing, what have I done that’s different to others? I felt disappointed that I couldn’t think of anything. At that point I started believing actually, I really could live life – just how I wanted.

I needed something to challenge me, something I would be scared of even – something different. Googling ‘Life changing experiences’ was quite an eye opener to the world that awaited me. Then, I found it – a mountain trek in Morocco with a bunch of people I don’t know for a week, climbing mountains and just me – I hit submit and thought what have I done?!

I woke the next day with the reality of having to raise over £1,300, picking a charity to raise it for and worse of all - getting fit. My god this was a serious challenge! I was 23, going out and drinking with friends every weekend with the most exercise I got being my Saturday night dancing! The gym (eventually) became my friend and I was getting fitter. There were so many days when I thought, can I be bothered? I just thought about my mum and the actual reason I signed up for this. She couldn’t do it then and she can’t do it now - I had to do it for her.

Time past and I decided to raise the money for Mind – the biggest mental health charity, supporting people with depression. Reaching a total of £2,000, I flew to Morocco and all I could do was hope the experience was what I had wished for. For one whole week I was out of my comfort zone – it’s a scary place to be when you are not used to it. Emotional days came and went, crying when I remembered why I was doing it. I talked to lots of different people from different walks of life, learning about them but slowly but surely I was learning about me too.

The whole experience really was life changing. I found myself and I started to believe in me and who I was. I also came home believing there is nothing you can’t do in this life. I felt I could do anything after that. I was ready to take on more.